What people think of me is none of my business. That either sounds like a truly noble statement made by a really emotionally healthy person or else it’s a prevaricating statement made by someone who wants you to think they are an emotionally healthy person. I want to show, in tandem with episodes from my real life, how this philosophy gets reconciled with truth, peace, spiritual growth, and integrity. And furthermore, how anyone can achieve this impeccable ideal.

Maybe you’ve noticed that I have filed this article under many Living Within Samsara topics: Alcoholic Recovery, Codependency, Dharma Journal, the Four Agreements, Highly Sensitive People, Karma, Manifesting, Metaphysical, Philosophy, Spiritual Growth, and Words can Harm. I have done this because in all of these topics, I can think of ways that attempting to make – or even knowing for certain – what someone thinks of me as my business, can hurt me. I want to have a good, happy, wholesome, productive, and spiritually fulfilling and sober life. I want to be free from the constraints other people place on me. I want to do my best and live with impeccable speech without taking things personally or making assumptions.

One caveat. Some people want to make it their business. There do exist people who believe that what I think about them is their business. I know for a fact they exist because it turns out I know some of these types. They exist from the low self-esteemer who thinks of herself as a burden on the world, to the egomaniac who considers everyone else the burden. Here’s how both types might supposedly crawl into the minds of others.

• Pride in Reverse: I know that they all think I’m stupid. I have no business going to that party. I know that woman hates me and is inviting me just to make fun of me once I’m there. One time she said, “What a nice dress.” But I SAW her roll her eyes! So what I had to get it from the Salvation Army. She thinks I’m a loser.
• Excessive Pride: I know they are all envious of my job position. After all I am still so young and good looking they probably think I slept my way to the top. They want me at this party just to network with me so I’ll put in a good word for them. God these people are piranhas. Have they no shame?

Still, others exist who want to make it their business what you think of them so they can “correct” the perception. A person’s thoughts are their thoughts. They are entitled to them. Whether the thought is generous toward you or the thought is a miserly one, every person on this planet has the divine right to her own thoughts – and feelings for that matter –  without intrusion and without exception. If you disagree and can’t rest unless you know everything going through someone’s mind about you, but yet you desire happiness, peace, and an integrity based life, I think you may just need to practice harder, the following strategies.

Most people, though, inadvertently get sucked in to what people think or feel about them and this is to whom this article is primarily directed.

Guidelines for Avoiding Thoughts not your Business

First of all, don’t ask! Has someone ever asked you, “Do you think I’m an idiot?” Do you think they really wanted to know, at that point in time what you thought about them?

Has someone ever asked you, “What do your parents think about me?” If your parents did not think too highly of the person asking, did that make you feel quite awkward? Did you feel like you were between a rock and a hard place? Well, the person was essentially asking you to divulge information that was not your business to divulge; aka Gossip.

In the future, if you feel compelled to ask someone what someone else thinks about you, a nice way to practice learning not to care what people think, would be to avoid learning what they think. Everyone will have an opinion of you that will not be quite up your alley; Therefore how is it beneficial for you to have this information? So that you can change your behavior? If this sounds reasonable to you, please run, do not walk, to the Codependency section. Browse the codependent recovery books. Please begin healing yourself. If you still need help, please use the *Contact* link and email me with “Codependent Recovery” as the subject.

Secondly, Don’t Look. Even if I feel like I need to. What is it about me that makes me want to look into the eyes of someone I either know dislikes me or who I think dislikes me? [Is it just an HSP thing or do you normal people do it too? Does anyone "normal" even read these articles?] I do quite a lot of ‘public’ speaking and I hate it! So what I do is, when I am feeling particularly insecure is avoid eye contact with members of the audience. I do this with much intention because invariably, when I am feeling insecure and make the mistake of making eye contact I will *read the person’s mind* and then, knowing that they hate me, I will start to stutter.

To not look also means to not go looking for trouble. This means that if I have a feeling someone is going to talk to someone about me, I don’t need to go *looking* and *poking* around trying to find out what’s going on. It’s just not my business! And be careful of what you go looking for, you may just find it.

I learned this one a long time ago based on a friend I had who could not, to save his life, allow anyone a private conversation. After the conversation he would ask, “Were you guys talking about me? What did so and so say? Does he think I’m being ______?” A certain amount of this could be curiosity but it passes a point and lands in obsession and controlling land which is a characteristic of codependency. Once again. Even if we had been talking about him, it was still none of his business.

Why was it none of his business if you were talking about him? Because they’re my words; my thoughts; my opinions; my statements that I have released into the universe. Who I choose to send them to concerns only me and the person to whom I am sending them. I did not send them to the subject of the conversation therefore they do not concern him. In 500 million years the words I spoke to a third party about my friend will NEVER affect him. [Now. If the person to whom I speak these words does something with them or I decide to do something else with them, it could affect him. But alone, those words in those moments will never affect him and they are my thoughts, opinions, words, and statements. This is why it's not his business.]

Thirdly, Hear no Evil. That’s right. See the pattern? Don’t speak by asking, soliciting, or inquiring and don’t go looking, snooping or eavesdropping for the pain. And now, don’t hear the pain. So when someone approaches you and begins with, “Oh my God, you won’t believe what so and so said about you!” My stand by to all sentences of this flavor is, “I don’t need to know. It is not my business.” Mouth drops agape style. “But…” Right. Your friend is not only spreading gossip [about you that is not your business] but if you continue on listening, you’ll be contributing to it. How so? Well now it’s time for one of my true life stories!

Two weeks ago I got an email from a familiar acquaintance. Since the Subject read: “Lottery Tickets” I thought it was some forwarded joke because he is a “forwarder”. For three days I ignored it; Didn’t open it. Then I saw him one night but was unable to speak with him. Feeling badly about that, I came home, opened his email with the intention of quickly hitting the reply button to tell him it was good to see him.

If you are familiar with The Four Agreements, can you see from the following real life example why these agreements are not only beneficial but practical as well? So I opened the email and, quickly skimming and noticing certain words and phrases, was floored to see a five paragraph email from this person I barely know asking basically why had I asked the clerk of some store his lottery purchasing habits? Then he goes on to explain why he purchased so many lottery tickets. Yeah. I felt like I’d left my body and entered some weird strange and unfamiliar place.

It turns out that my acquaintance’s name had been brought up by a third party to a clerk in a store. The clerk, after being questioned about my acquaintances gambling habits, made sure to convey this to her co-worker. Original clerk and now co-worker pounced upon my acquaintance upon his next entrance into said store and conveyed with much satisfaction and vigor, the scandal that he apparently was!

My acquaintance, therefore, having not much truth to go on - as is the nature of gossip – felt violated and betrayed. And in his being human, made not only an assumption that turned out to be inaccurate, but conveyed the assumption as truth to the person none of this had anything to do with – me. He erroneously assumed it was I and therefore brought me into this drama I had nothing to do with.

When we give people air time to gossip, we then lose much of our personal power. Haven’t you ever been trapped into listening to gossip only to have it come back in such a way like, “Amy said she told you that I said you were a cow and that you said I was ridiculous. I want to know, DID you say I was ridiculous?” The truth could be more like I said that her *calling* me a cow was ridiculous but Amy is a crazy-maker; a chaos junkie; a provocateur of drama, and Amy will take anything and twist it. Therefore. I don’t listen to gossip if I catch myself in the middle of it.

#4 Practice the Above. One serious aspect of my freedom comprises being released from the opinions of other people but it took practice.

• (1) First I quit asking.
• (2) Then I quit looking.
• (3) And then I quit listening.

With these small three tweaks, it seemed the rest came easily. Now, knowing I would not DIE if I didn’t know someone’s opinion of me – even if I wanted to know it -  it was as if invisible shackles began melting away. It’s amazing how my perceptions shifted! And metaphysically speaking, when my perceptions are amenable to myself, I am more likely to be in a state to manifest greatness! All of a sudden…Being transformed from a low self-esteemer who was chronically – and to my own detriment – worried about what others thought of me, to sitting in a room full of people saying, “On any average day, I do not care what anyone thinks of me.” And this is true. But what about on those days I do feel insecure; Less than up to par?

On these days I surround myself with people who I know think lovingly of me. On these days I spend time with people who have compassion and who are on similar paths. On these days, I do not venture out into the world in order to tackle some stupid gossip-mongering. On these days, I need the positive energy of someone who believes as I do and not those people who still feel comfortable living in the world where gossip and talking about other people is the mainstay of their existence.

#5 Align Myself with Myself. One reason I was so caught up with others opinions and perceptions of me is because I hadn’t yet discovered my own spirit; my own spiritual truth; my own voice; my own path. So, with compassion, I can see how some people are still caught up.

But this does not mean I let them reel me in. I come first; I am the most important person and I have to take care of myself because no one is going to do it for me! I am not going to let someone “just tell me one quick thing” because they have not recovered from dis-eased thinking if I feel that that “one quick thing” may hurt me.

Unlike some other people I imagine, I know I am capable of being hurt by words. I am very sensitive to unseen energy, paranormal or metaphysical happenings as well as sensitive to words. So if I already “feel” a negative energy from you, trust and know that I [as well as other Highly Sensitive People / HSP's or psychics or energy readers or whatever] already know how you feel about me. I really do not need for your words to try to send me any “subtle” message.

What if people make it my business what they think about me?

Sometimes all of our great efforts in keeping away from things not our business – and particularly those thoughts that others have of us – fail. Sometimes, in real life [unlike on the internet], arguments ensue and sarcasm, name-calling, or other harsh words prevail. Still, other times, Kings and Queens of confrontation – in my experience, often people addicted to prescribed drugs and/or control freaks - will address you and try to “correct” you. Or, like I did (above), you may find yourself in the middle of an assumption – or gossip – that someone wants to confront you with as truth. No matter which category “your person” or “your situation” falls in, there is a solution.

#1 Walk away and say nothing. [Before they start, during, or even after they have finished, it's never too late. As soon as you remember that you have the option to walk away, you have given yourself option to not be held captive.] You can respond with your feet doing the voting. You might kick yourself later for saying nothing and this will be one of the classic times you’ll massage in your head: “I wish I would have said _____!” But take heart. In walking away you really have accomplished some creative and worthy things.

1. The other person is left to reflect, all by herself, on what she did or said. [No need for her to necessarily reflect on what she thinks because, as I've already stated, we're all entitled to our thoughts or feelings; However, if my feelings or thoughts continue to hurt me I would want to change them but that's a different topic for a different day.] Because you gave her/him no ammunition, her ego can’t then justify why it was, therefore, okay for her to address you in the way she did in the first place.
2. You would not have said anything you may regret later. Every single person in this world is capable of a gut reaction in the midst of feeling attacked. Some people are inclined to speak these gut reactions or inclined to defend themselves. But why? In defending yourself or giving a response you’ve just told the person doing the “attacking” that their unsolicited opinion was acceptable to you. In walking away, therefore, you have given yourself permission to think things through if you need to, without being forced to make some statements you may really not want to make.
3. You’ve just set a boundary or at least a precedent. By walking away, you have just shown someone that you will not waste the precious moments of your life engaged in “their opinion of you.”

#2 If you feel yourself unable to walk away for whatever reason, respond with “okay” or some other benign phrase while staying neutral looking and neutral sounding. This one really works. I suggest this method when dealing with the sickest of the lot and when walking away doesn’t seem to be the best option. Either due to fear, safety, physical restraint [you're in a car] or when it may not be in your best interest to walk away such as dealing with your supervisor, you can still passively assert yourself.

A really emotionally and mentally disturbed woman took time out of her life to, unsolicitedly and without provocation, tell me all the things I did wrong in a meeting. She had a reputation for being a controlling woman as the tears of other women after being spoken to by her would testify. She also had a pill problem as her different arrests would appear on the internet and in the paper. I looked at her right in the eyes as she spoke and kept a neutral face and stance. [I did not nod or say, "Uh huh." I did not give her verbal affirmations to continue.] The more she spoke, the longer I kept eye contact. The longer I kept eye contact, the more uncomfortable she became. When it was wrapping up she began back-peddling. She walked away after offering some weak excuse for sharing her thoughts with me. Within two hours that sick twist of a controlling bitch had called my house and apologized into my answering machine.

By saying, “Okay” to this woman when she finished, I gave her implicit permission to leave; to finish; to stop. But by not giving her verbal clues to continue, I let her know I was not welcoming what she was saying. This is unique because we’re taught as a people to chronically be polite even in the face of our own detriment. Well. Politeness kept me drunk, emotionally dis-eased and self-loathing. But because I could not walk away [ I had responsibilities that prohibited my leaving ] I still took the position of putting up an invisible shield, which not only rendered essentially the same effects as the first suggestion, but also included the added benefit of facing, head on, my “zen master.”

1. The other person is left to reflect, all by herself, on what she did or said. Because you did not give their ego ammunition, when they finally walk away or hush up or finish, at most they will have a mirror. If they have any sort of wellness or kernel of conscience about themselves, they will at least half-heartedly view this mirror and may perhaps learn from it. [If they don't, they are probably either sociopathic, narcissistic, on psychotropics or they were drunk and simply don't remember.]
2. You would not have said anything you may regret later. By not defending yourself or attacking the person back or engaging them or even “politely” agreeing with what they think of you, you have no need to regret selling yourself out. Remember. No matter what a person’s opinion of you to you is, your truth – or lack of – is no one’s business unless you choose to involve someone [friends, counselors, advisers, etc.]
3. You’ve just set a boundary or at least a precedent. By acting neutral, facially dissembling, short words, no conversational tone, not walking away but facing them, you are giving off clear clues you do not welcome their unsolicited opinion.
4. No need to regret “running away” because you went face to face with it. And yet some people are on such a path that they need to face their fears and go face to face with these confrontational sorts and hence, why going toe to toe for some people is the best option.

If you have great fear about going toe to toe with a person like this, and you seek to continue enlarging spiritually and evolving emotionally then inevitably you will need to “not walk away” at some point. And hopefully these suggestions will prove valuable when this day happens.

#3 If you have softer boundaries with the person engaging you and/or are acquaintances to friends, just sometimes making a statement or even having a conversation might be helpful. Now, if it’s a friend who is addressing us, we may not want to be so cold as to walk away or to give them the *stink eye* so this is probably the most challenging: We’re going to have to enforce our beliefs and maintain our integrity with a friend! [Eeek? Oh yes. Eeek. After all. Quite easy to "stink eye" someone who we perceive as *trying* to be mean right?]

Boundaries. We all have boundaries whether we know it or not. Even if we don’t know what they really are offhand. Even if some of us lack the courage to enforce them, we still have them. Note the following circumstances and how you would FEEL were they to happen to you. Just take a moment and even if you cannot identify the feeling precisely, can you gauge whether it feels good, feels okay, or feels bad?

1. A person you do not know stands 3 inches behind you in line.
2. You and your mother touch elbows as you’re standing in line.
3. Your best friend wants to hug you after not seeing you for 6 months.
4. A man you have never seen asks if he can see your belly button.
5. Your professor tells you, you can do better with your writing.
6. Your pen pal critiques your sentence structure.
7. Your weight loss buddy criticizes your diet progress.
8. Your spouse criticizes your diet progress.
9. Your string bean sister criticizes your diet progress.
10. At a reunion, a former classmate tells you you have gained weight.

Boundaries are a healthy and natural part of our existence in this world and they are supposed to vary according to our relationships. It’s been my experience that people suffering from the most dis-ease often either lack the courage to define their boundaries – usually because they are surrounded by control freaks who feel entitled to have every single piece of them and they have never learned better – or else they do not think they are entitled to boundaries. I am giving you permission to begin establishing boundaries right now. God allows U-Turns and this means that starting with the end of this sentence you can make a decision to begin acknowledging that you have either a right to boundaries and you have the right AND responsibility to enforce them.

We owe it to our valued relationship to set our limits. So when people we have softer boundaries with don’t know that we don’t appreciate gossip, for example, we either share it with them or we grow resentful and angry in the relationship as it continues, or we begin the process [sabotage] of ending or ”running away” from the relationship.

This was how I operated. If a friend began crossing boundaries, I started plans of sabatoge because I lacked tools in knowing how to take care of myself within the context of my friendships. Pretty soon it got to be that I preferred to be alone because I lacked courage and people seemed to lack the ability to read my mind or lacked knowing enough about me to *not* engage in violations of my integrity.

After years of staying drunk or reaching for alcohol, anorexia, self-mutilation or whatever method I could find in order to deal with the feelings of violations – again, because I lacked courage and tools at the same time – I reached my bottom when I feared going out into the world at all. So when I began my process of sobering up I quickly had to first contend with my fear of people because they certainly were not going to disappear and “leave me alone until I got better” were they?

The book I first read, When I say No I Feel Guilty, is what began my process of setting boundaries. I recommend it to you, as a friend recommended it for me, if you have deeply rooted and similar issues. The second book was Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin. I highly suggest these two books. Enough about me. Let’s get back to some examples of statements you could say [and that I have used] to friends who want to come at me with gossip or their thoughts that I do not want to be my business.

Make Boundaries on your Acquaintances or Friends

Just because we have softer boundaries with our friends does not mean we have no boundaries with our friends. Here are some ideas and exact phrasings on how to address aquaintances or close friends who feel as if they need to share with you their thoughts, their opinions or knowledge, or gossip about you that you would prefer they keep to themselves…

1. “Your opinion about me is none of my business.”
2. “I don’t appreciate hearing gossip about myself.”
3. “I don’t allow my female friends to address me as ‘Hey bitch!’”
4. “Please do not share gossip with me. It makes me uncomfortable.”
5. “Do you think that was impeccable telling me that my ass looks skinny? I don’t.”
6. “I would say, ‘Thank you for your unsolicited opinion’ but I didn’t want it.”
7. “I value our relationship. This is why I need to tell you that I don’t like _____.”
8. “Someone told you something about me? It’s not my business.”
9. “If Sarah had wanted me to know I was a cheap slut, she would have told me. As it is, I would like it if, in the future, you refrain from sharing gossip with me.”
10. For other situational responses please see “Words can Harm. Words can Heal.” series.

Hurt Feelings

Of course we will have our feelings hurt when people share with us negative or less than honoring sentiments, ideas, gossip, rumors, labels, or opinions! This is completely normal and natural! Do NOT fall for the veracity of the “Sticks and Stones” nursery lie if you’re like me and are sensitive to verbal misconduct. But once the horse has let the gate the only thing to do is to draw a boundary with your friend for later observation.

If you need to talk about your hurt feelings, discuss your feelings with an understanding friend; a friend who is your advocate; a friend who will understand and empathize and sympathize with you. Then put it in perspective and abide Agreement #2 by Not Taking Anything Personally. How to do that? Well, read ”Release from Opinions” that goes in-depth, buy The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, A Toltec Wisdom Book and it will go in-depth, or you can absorb the next paragraph.

No matter what anyone says to us or about us, they are coming from their own mitote; their own reality or version of the world. No matter what it is. If someone want to let me know they think I am irresponsible, that’s coming from their idea of responsibility. If someone tells me I am beautiful, even that is coming from their perception of beauty. But we seem to want to take the positive views and hold them close don’t we? It’s the negative ones we want to discard and now you can! Once you realize that what I say about you actually has not one thing to do with you, but has everything to do with me and MY view of the world, you will be free. Go in depth on how to not have feelings hurt with the article, “Release from the Opinions of Other People.”

Conclusion

And that is the crux of the matter as to why it’s not my business what a person thinks about me. Because once I understand that their opinions, viewpoints, thoughts, and words are simply a manifestation of their perception of this world, then I will understand they have nothing to do with me. Therefore, why do I need to risk having hurt feelings or insecurities exploited by allowing someone to hold me hostage so they can tell me what they think about me?

I’ve always felt that a person who gossips about someone reveals more about themselves than they could ever reveal about the person they are gossiping about. Maybe this is why I have never jumped on the gossip wagon; You know those people who sit around ooh-ing and aah-ing and believing wholesale what anyone is saying? I have never been one and have quite frankly never understood the mindset.

Hopefully now, though, you maybe understand a little more why it is you feel uncomfortable when someone decides they want to share with you their less than flattering and less than loving thoughts about you; or share with you someone else’s thoughts about you.

It is because it’s just not your business. It has nothing to do with you. But if you are of the mind that it is your business then I would suggest you have control issues because think about this: If what everyone says about you – if everytime your name is invoked – it is your business then not only is your entire life going to be spent keeping up with what people say and think about you, but then, by extension, you have just given everybody else the right to follow up on you with what you say, gossip, and think about them. What a life of drama, chaos and non-peace that would be!

So if you’re seeking peace, drama-free healthy relationships, the sunlight of the spirit and a life guided by integrity I would suggest working on not letting people bring less than honorable situations into your world. If they accidentally do enter, however, because we cannot control peoples’ tongues, [no more than anyone can control ours] I would then suggest working on learning how to take care of yourself when these things happen. It was not easy for me to practice and I can still run into a snag today. But the freedom I have gained in just knowing that no, I do not have to listen to you tell me what someone said about me. Yes, I can walk away. Yes, I can stand right there and make eye contact without saying a word. The main idea is that I have choices; you have choices.

I am no longer a victim of anyone’s words, thoughts, or opinions of me. Crazy-makers, chaos junkies, provocateurs of drama, and gossip-mongerers no longer have power over my life. You don’t have to be a victim, either. Resources are available right here and you just have to be mindful and practice. Because if I can heal, anyone can. So next time, just remember: “I don’t want to know what you think about me. It’s just not my business.”

Until next time, friends. Namaste.

Source: Living Within Samsara

I remember walking on eggshells. I remember the fear of saying the wrong thing that may begin another spiral of nightly drinking.

I wore a wrinkled shirt to the hospital for a surgery I would have. I was scared but I said nothing. Because my oversized t-shirt that I would be taking off in less than the 5 minutes it would take us to get to the hospital, was wrinkled, I looked like a whore. She said so. I was self-centered. I was spoiled and selfish. Why would I choose, of all shirts, that one? Didn’t I know that I looked like a whore? And what was wrong with my hair? Why didn’t I curl it?

This was just one instance that remains in my memory. My female relative was an alcoholic and she loved me. She proved it often enough. I loved her too. But with the love I held for her, there was fear and misunderstanding. And with the love she had for me, there was the interference of alcoholism.

I thought if I could behave well, she would quit the drinking she often promised to quit.

One night, another typical night of close to being at the end of another attempt to stop, she called me a whore because I said “No thanks” to iced tea. Secretly calling my Mom to cry, my Mom tried soothing me and using phrases she had learned in recovery. The next morning, my relative apologized in the blanketed fashion she often did. Her memory never proved it could actually recall the hurtful words and actions she partook and, in my shame, I was never able to tell her. Until that morning.

That morning I finally told her. I told her of her actions the night before. I told her of how she usually behaved and the words she would typically use to characterize me. How she would get angry when I refused food or drink. How she would get angry when I was studying. How my mere existence seemed to drive her into a strange place. How I often would retire to my room once she started and didn’t she see that?

I remember that morning almost as clear as I remember the hurtful memories of her drinking. I remember her looking at me and my feeling as if she was really absorbing what I was saying. I remember her, in instances, glancing out the window as I was talking almost as if she couldn’t bear to listen anymore. Then she would look back at me and hold my eyes. During this conversation she asked questions about her behavior – but not too many. I think she did not really want to know the true ugliness and I obliged. I held back the more humiliating experiences because, at the time, I did have low self-esteem and felt there to be truth in some of the things she would say to me.

At the end of this conversation she said, in only few words, typical of her when she was embarrassed, “Well I need to stop that. ”

The next night, I’d checked her liquor supply. She had none left, I reasoned, so if she does not go to the liquor store tonight, I’ll be okay. She didn’t go to the liquor store or drink that night. Or the next night. Or the next night. or even the next night. I remember, still, as happy as I was, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I remember walking on eggshells. I remember trying to help her as much as I could around the house. I showed her my A’s. I shared with her my instructor’s opinions on my papers. I spent time with her thinking if she was not lonely, she would not drink. We never argued so I never really had to worry about “making her mad.” I remember taking the dog for rides happily, when she asked. I would go to the store for her. I would have gladly continued being at her beck and call but the other shoe dropping was still a pre-existing echo of the future.

The night she finally asked me to go to the liquor store for her, I remember thinking back to what I may have done to provoke her desire to drink. I remember even saying, “But I thought you were going to quit? I thought everything was going well?” She assured me it was but she just needed something after the day she’d had. So it started again.

Not long after, circumstances would have my moving out, when my own alcoholism began rearing its head. I chose to feed my own alcoholism because I’d not had any other tools to combat my feelings of low self-esteem, failure at getting my relative sober, failure at being a human being…One may think that after seeing what happened to my relative when she drank, that it would prohibit me. Well, I guess if one isn’t prone to alcoholism that would have worked. But alcohol was effectively my only solution at the time.

And after being in recovery, now for a few years, from alcoholism as well as codependency, I realized it was effectively her only solution too. It was only in addressing my own alcoholism, that I was able to see hers for what it was. This does not mean I did not have a right to my feelings about the harm she caused me. This just means I am able to understand that I did not “cause” her alcoholism anymore than someone else “caused” mine.

And thanks to Al-Anon [a specific subset of Codependent recovery where we address ourselves as we relate to others' alcoholism] existing, friends and family members do not have to actually *be* alcoholic in order to understand someone else’s alcoholism. There is actually a solution for people who are victimized by alcohol but not through their own drinking, but by someone else’s. And this is good news.

This means you do not have to “turn alcoholic” in order to reap the benefits of recovery. This means you, too, can find the same peace, serenity, and best life that millions of recovering alcoholics, recovering al-anon’s, and recovering codependent’s have enjoyed. Whether it’s through many of the subsets of codependent recovery geared toward friends or family who used alcohol [or drugs] – like Adult Children of Alcoholics, Al-Anon or Alateen, Nar-Anon – or straight to Codependents Anonymous, or even codependent literature, peace can be achieved.

However. If you are currently using alcohol as your solution, I will share with you what my A.A. sponsor first shared with me. “After a year of A.A., I’d like for you to get to Al-Anon.” Then I did. The reason is because I needed to deal with my immediate problem first. I needed to get my own brain, mind, and spirit straightened out first, lest I go into Al-Anon backwards. [In effect, while I am on fire, going into another type of recovery to try to deal with the heat of someone else's own fire!]

Adapted from my original article, “A Relatives Alcoholic Drinking – A Memoir” at my Newsvine column and was written in response to comments from my Newsvine article: How to Help an Alcoholic Stop Drinking although that same article originated at Living within Samsara entitled Help an Alcoholic to Stop Drinking .

10 Years Later

The above was happening around 1991. I would not get real help for my own drinking problem until about 10 years later. So that when my beloved relative was now in a nursing home for failing health and I went to see her, I told her of my joining a 12 Step program dealing with alcoholism. I’ll never forget what she said.

“So you had to go get help for my drinking? I’m so sorry about that.” It was so precious; the forlorn look she had on her face and the confusion she was exhibiting about what A.A. was. All these years, she was so engrossed in her own demon battles that she never even noticed I had my own alcoholic demons to fight. I did quickly correct her perception by telling her it was for *mY* own problem, but I don’t think she ever really understood.

I was like her for the most part. I would shut my door at night, lock it, and go to town with my drinking. I, too, like her, had a double life going on. It tells me I must have been successful, that she never knew the extent of my drinking. Sure she saw me drinking beers and vodka tonics, but I didn’t binge like she did, so when she would pass out, I was still getting my drunk on. :) And of course, when I’d finally moved out, I had the freedom to drink whenever and however I wanted, without her gaining any sort of knowledge about it.

My conclusion about our lives intertwining the way they did, manifesting the alcoholic helix that seemed to curse my generational line, I can finally draw several conclusions that have led me to peace.

Alcoholism or problem drinking is an illness. The person inflicted with that illness can NOT “just stop” [The AMA classifies it as a disease.] so it is not a matter of willpower.

What it took, for me, was a final five year staying drunk more or less every single night and an increasing evergrowing inability in contending with life on life’s terms. I hit the wall and I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired. My poor relative never got to that point and some people don’t. [See here for how to help an alcoholic stop drinking.]

Because of my own battles with alcoholism, I was finally able to love my relative completely and wholly without even expecting her to stop drinking. Because I found a solution for my problem, it also helped me to find a solution for “life’s problem.” I am so grateful I did have a second chance at life because it got me to a place of accepting my beloved’s illness along with accepting her. I credit this acceptance with my Codependent recovery after I got sober – that I never could have understood UNTIL I got sober.

I wish you love, sanity, and peace.

Namaste.

Suggested Links :

• Al-Anon and Alateen Family Services Website
• Al-Anon Recovery Books from my Bookstore [New and Used]
• Codependent Articles at Living within Samsara
• Recovery Articles at Living within Samsara
• Codependent Recovery Books from my Bookstore [New and Used]
• My Autobiography – My Recovery Story

Source: Living Within Samsara

Do you or have you spent a large portion of your life insuring that people like you? Have you bent over backwards for people you may not even know, only to try to get them to like you? Do you or have you ever extensively worried whether someone likes you or not?

If you think someone dislikes you do you purposefully try to do things to “make” them like you? If you think that someone dislikes you, have you then secretly felt that something must be wrong with you? Do you sometimes think your life is spent wondering either what is *wrong* with you or why can’t you just *fit* in?

Have you ever pretended to be different or someone you weren’t in order to fit in, be popular, or be liked? Just knowing if they knew the real you, you would not be liked?

In this article, like a more recent article on Taking Care of Ourselves, despite societal expectations, I’m going to focus on how to begin the perception shift necessary for this freedom to occur. The opposite of freedom and release from other people’s opinions is bondage and control due to their opinions.

So if you’re currently at the whim of what people say or do and don’t know how to get out from under that enslaving mindset, I would encourage you to read this article, the article already mentioned, and even perhaps the articles filed under Codependency, Words can Harm, and the Four Agreements. At the end of this article there is a section entitled Related Posts.

Do not Take Anything or Action Personally

The solution to not worrying about what people think about you is to think well about yourself. When you do this, you will not constantly then be needing to look to outside sources – or at least people – to fill your bucket. But if you seem to find yourself in a never-ending circle of not feeling good and caring too much about other peoples’ opinions or you seem to be the walking low self-esteemer [I was there and yes you can escape!] then keep reading.

“Fill your bucket”: This is my famous metaphor I speak of often that refers to the bucket being my internal vessel and the “filling” being that stuff that makes me okay. We all have an internal vessel that comprises the “who we are”. Some of us were either traumatized as children or as young adults and have a filter occupying our perceptions that have us constantly searching for external solutions to *fill our bucket.* Those temporary solutions can take the form of alcohol, drugs, approval addiction, inappropriate relationships, or anything else that is temporary but harms us in the long run.

When we look to outside sources to fill our bucket we constantly need more and more sources [or substances] because people are either ultimately self-absorbed, spiritually or emotionally sick or underdeveloped in their own way or even just plain human [and the substances become so important to us we develop tunnel vision and castrate those other healthier sources that exist].

That’s the 3rd of the Four Agreements, “Don’t Take Anything Personally.”

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

It’s all well and good to say, “Don’t take anything personally” and then you can finally be free but how do we do that?

I’m a highly sensitive person; feelings as well as central nervous system. So, as nice as it is to simple say, “Don’t take anything personally” I believe we need to actually be taught how to shift our perceptions so that we can arrive at that place and way of thinking. That’s what I hope to do here.

How to not Take Things Personally

We Begin to Understand and Internalize that Realities Differ

When I really began to understand that every individual has their own ideas and have created [manifested] their own belief system, their own way of living, and their own philosophies, I better was able to understand how insignificant I was to their dream unless I fulfilled some role of their dream. So what that means is that yes, you *are* the center of your universe [like I am to mine] and so is it such a stretch to see how the unexamined life could get angry because I wasn’t fulfilling my role?

But I don’t want to be angry, for example, when someone doesn’t fulfill a role I have planned for them because anger is such a painful emotion for me. I also do not want to get a swollen head when someone tells me how great I am because then I have the dangerous ego vying for that person’s acceptance, and then my own opinion may go out the window! Therefore, I have decided to acknowledge that every person is the main actor in their world and is simply projecting their own reality, no matter what they say or do! Opposite this agreement is the one I used to have that stated we all have the same reality and we’re all just trying to scramble to the top of it by arranging the people in our lives to varying positions they may not want to be in.
I do well with analogies and examples and I think in pictures so let me go ahead and offer some tangible examples that may help with showing how to shift your perceptions here.

Example 1: Our perceptions make our reality. Forget “the Ultimate Reality” but just know that if you perceive a snake as dangerous and a snake is two inches from your face, you may feel fear and your reality in that moment is threatened. You freeze until you can figure out what to do. I, however, am inside my office and writing this article and the air is on and I have a candle burning and I feel peace in my reality as I write this article. So I shout through the window asking if you want a cup of coffee because the last time my reality *merged* with your reality, you were at peace on the deck. You don’t answer me. I get angry.

1. Think: Did you make me angry?
2. Think: Did you not answer me in order to purposefully make me angry?
3. Think: Did I shout out the window in order to further threaten your reality?

Example explanation: No. Of course you did not make me angry so hopefully you can deduce the rest of the answers of perceptual health. Based on my own perceptions of my reality is why I got angry.

And it’s been my experience that the unexamined life *will* get angry over small things like that. But once we shift…start shifting our perceptions by examining our former agreements, we will be less prone to becoming angry over small things like this. Okay. This was a blatant example. Hopefully most people were able to see this one for the different realities experienced by both players. The next one will be a slightly bit less obvious.

Example 2: Most of us have friends based on our merging of realities and commonalities, right? I have many friends who live not according to materialism, but who have *plenty* of materialism. Most of my friends are close to my own skin shade and gender. Most of my friends come from my country of origin and most of my friends don’t dig ecclesiastical religion. So now I have to ask: But do you have friends who do not share some of these realities? I certainly do.

My closest friend is black, comes from the ghetto, didn’t finish High School, struggles to get by and happens to be about 8 yrs older than me. But we’re so close because things that matter and are important to us, we share so deeply. We share them so deeply and personally that each others skin tone, education, age differences, and economic differences don’t come into play.

So with all that said, a real example is inviting her to come to my birthday party. She did not come. She said she would come but then she didn’t. I felt sad that she didn’t show up.

1. Think: Did she make me sad?
2. Think: Did she not come in order to purposefully make me sad?

Example Explanation: Because she is my closest friend in the world, I know and accept some of her foibles. One just happens to be HSP. If she is feeling too much stimulation, she is going to avoid further stimulation and especially when there are going to be many people there whose realities are different than hers. Yes I was sad. No I did not take it personally. And besides, she has always been there for me when it counted.

I don’t know why it seems that this world has taught us to blame external developments for how we feel on the inside. It’s grown weird to me. It’s normal for a child to do this because the child like autonomy and really is at the whim of the adults around her. So much of society, thought, has seemingly stayed stuck in this mindset, though, well on into adulthood and this is why I say, time and time again that codependency is the fastest spreading viral sickness we have in this world. And yes, these issues – not taking personally other peoples’ words and actions – are codependent recovery principles.

Example 3: I was taking a shower and my beloveds daughter wanted to talk to me while I was showering, so she kept opening the curtain as we talked. [She is 4.] I told her about 8 times that she was going to get wet if she did not close the shower curtain. So are you surprised when she ended up getting wet? She apparently was because she then angrily shouted after she closed the curtain, “You just got me wet!” So she stormed off, in 4 year old fashion and hollered, “I’m telling Daddy!” So then I got angry at that diseased thinking – neverminding the whole tattle culture at that age – finished up my shower and went to find her.

1. Think: Did she make me angry?
2. Think: Did a socially viral meme make me angry?

Example Explanation: I got angry based on my own reality and ideas of “healthy” thinking not coming to pass in that instance – and with a child at that. And that’s really the answer for all of these. We ALWAYS get _______ [fill in the emotion] based on our own realities or perceptions.

There she was. Sitting with my beloved and staring defiantly at me. I said, “I was in the shower doing what I was supposed to be doing, with the shower curtain closed. I told you several times you were going to get wet if you kept that curtain open. You kept it open, didn’t you? Then you got wet from my shower.” She’s looking at me big brown eyes [the girl is a sponge] and her defiance – yes, she was still mad – softened. So then I looked into her eyes, “So who got you wet?” She said, “I got me wet.” It was a proud moment for me! :-) I said, “That’s right! So next time I suggest you close the curtain, what might you do?” She said, “Close the curtain.”

Example 4: I have a friend who encounters gossip and rumor on a daily basis. She seems to attract and surround herself with people who tell her that “someone said something about her.” She is fairly new to recovery – about a year sober – and it’s clear she lacks the tools in which to deal with sort of thing because when she’s finished, she basically whines a lot of “he said she said” to me. She doesn’t get that when people “speak her sanctified name” it has nothing to do with her. She, therefore, thinks then that it is her job to “get to the bottom of it” and go interviewing people asking if such and such was true or not.

She is operating from a clear case of “taking things personally” and coupled with “making assumptions” [that they will tell her the truth and that the person who told her such and such is telling the truth] and being “unimpeccable with her words” [because she's just gone to person B and *gossiped* about person A telling her something person B said, thereby perhaps causing a conflict between person A and B when person A would have told person B the information if she'd wanted her to know it. Confusing? That's right. That's why this is unhealthy behavior at its finest and it's called a Drama Triangle.]

So that when Amy, a girl Jennifer barely knows, tells her that Rick said she was on drugs so can she have some, Jennifer is now mad at her friend Rick for lying about her. She goes to Rick and he denies it. So she then goes back to Jennifer and tells her that Rick denies it. So now Jennifer recalls that maybe it was someone else – now knowing that Rick knows about what she said and she has fear of what Rick will think, whether it was true or not.

My friend is so wrapped up with what people think, coupled with her ego, that she currently thinks she can stop people from gossiping about her. Not only has she not internalized that she is powerless over people, but she is currently so insecure within her self, that other peoples’ opinions rule her existence so dramatically, that any semblance of walking with integrity is out the window. Like the 4 yr old, she thinks if she stomps her baby feet, cries, screams, and yells and blames enough people that *it* will stop. It is safe to say that her entire existence is currently at the whim of what other people think about her, what other people say to and about her, and how other people perceive her.

1. Think: Are these other people making her life “crazy?”
2. Think: Who is the real victimizer in her life?
3. Think: If she thought well of herself would she be scrambling about like she does?

Example Explanation: My friend is like so many others. And before I began searching out spiritual solutions to human problems, I was like that too; So it’s not a judgment of ‘good’ or ‘bad’ but the necessary precursor to change which is acknowledgment. And if she never acknowledges that she is the one making her own self nuts, what motivation does she have to change? No, instead she’ll continue to scramble about trying to fix, manage and control other people, all the while, making herself the ‘victim’.

Example 5: Last night I was at a 12 step meeting for alcoholic recovery. A woman introduced herself as a cocaine addict and said she had no problem with alcohol. After the chairperson discussed the difference between an open and closed meeting, I raised my hand and said that in both cases, we still discuss our problems as they relate to alcohol. [That being the More Reasons to not Take Things Personally

And if we can look at it from this simple point of view, perhaps we can begin to notice our perceptions slowly shifting into the more relevant aspects of our lives – where it matters. These examples are rather tangible and based on communications differences, language utilization differences, culture [our upbringing and how we were raised] and our education level. From these influences, certainly it’s no stretch to add I.Q., religion, profession, outlook on life, spiritual or no spiritual life, where we live, and other differences. If we can open our mind into understanding that different people have had *their bucket of personality* filled with perhaps different things than we have, it’s easier to not take things personally. Isn’t it?

Exemplified Statement #1: Based on a true statistic, something like 80% of all college students polled, when asked, “Do you think women’s suffrage should end?” answered yes. If you don’t find this funny, then your reality is very different from mine; I would have answered no.

Question: Do I believe that women should suffer? Hint: Look up suffrage.

Exemplified Statement #2: Or let’s say we get into a conversation on your behaving niggardly. If you were an uneducated black gangbanger from Harlem’s finest ghetto – based on my reality – I would not discuss it with you because my experience has taught me that uneducated black people do not fare with this word very well, but the fact remains, based on your circumstances you do behave niggardly – you almost have no choice.

Question: Would you think I am racist? Hint: Look up niggardly.

Exemplified Statement #3: A friend thinks that women’s duties comprise keeping house, cleaning, cooking, taking care of the children and mowing the yard in addition to working outside the home. This friend also thinks that slapping his woman once in a while keeps her loyal. Based on this information, can we safely assume my friend is not my friend who is the Professor of Women’s Studies in Gender Inequality in Antebellum Politics?

Question: Would you think the woman he is slapping around is my friend? Why or why not? Hint: The friend who teaches and this man have 180* different realities.

Exemplified Statement #4: I live in a culture that values stick-thin women. We see them on magazine covers, runways, television. We see the tabloids, with great fervor, condemning stars who’ve gotten too skinny [or too fat for that matter because there is no pleasing the tabloids is there?]. These tabloids accuse women of anorexia.

Question: Would they accuse Ethiopians or other starving countries of having too many anorexic women? Would I go to Ethiopia and pull out my soapbox, explaining to them the dangers of willfully refusing food? Of course not because theirs is a culture of starving due to lack of food. The tabloid media here, in the US, breaks all boundaries of healthy agreements. It makes assumptions that the skinny stars have food. They are certainly not impeccable because they lie, prevaricate, and spread gossip and rumors. They judge people and intentionally try to make things personal. And they’re not doing their spiritual or emotionally healthy best. They are trying to make money.

Exemplified Statement #5: I used to have a neighbor who was a very sweet girl. [She made an appearance in an article; a memoir I published not so long ago called, "Knowing Hector" if you would like to read more about her.] She has a lower level I.Q., innocent nature, and suffers abuses from her mother. Although she is well into adult age, her thought processes and sweet disposition were more like a simplified and shy 8 year old. She thought my husband was handsome and wanted to hug him – like she was daughter – every time she saw him. The reality, though, is that she was about 5 years younger than him.

Question: Should I have tried to help her by suggesting we go look for apartments? Should I have used a hard edge tactic and told her she must hate herself for living in this abusive situation? This was a tough situation for me to watch but in no way would I have spoken to her like I would speak to a peer. She had the mind of a child but the rights of an adult. What I ended up doing was being her friend; inviting her over often and spending time with her. If an outsider judged this situation in any fashion other than how it was, would be operating from a different reality. Because my reality was so different from hers, I really did not know what to do. She eventually did gain a good life.

Final Thoughts

It took me three days to complete this article because I am going through another round of EBV {which actually led to this article on “Taking Care of Ourselves” – which is another article discussing the release of societal expectations}. It’s probably why I decided to write this one with the focus being on the 2nd Agreement to Not Take Anything Personally.

It may sometimes seem as if these articles can become redundant. if this is the case, then it seems you’ve already gotten what you need insofar as information and tools and all that is left is for you to begin practicing or taking different actions.

What this means is that I may be able to hold your hand and show you some successful outcomes for creating boundaries, for example, or even give you the words in creating the boundaries you may so desperately need, but like everything else, if you don’t put it into practice by feeling the fear and doing it anyway, then it just stays in your mind and your life remains the same.

Much the same with not taking things personally or getting released from societal expectations or opinions; If you continue scrambling about and taking actions contrary to your goal, your thinking will continue to follow your living example. If, however, you truly want to begin living a different dream, you can!

1. Firstly, yes there may be fear.
2. There will almost assuredly be discomfort.
3. Do it anyway.

Continuing in practice will conquer the fear and assuage the discomfort. I promise. I also want to mention – in case you were looking for pats on the back – that the only people who will pat you on the back for your positive life changes will be people who simply want you to be the best whole “walking with integrity” being you can be. If you need a pat on the back, post your comment here and I’ll give you one! I think it’s important at a time like this to get as much support as we can. Even if you need to join a support group or rally the help of your friends who are on a similar path!

You will definitely not get pats on the back or “atta girl”‘s from people who try to control you with their opinions or actions. So don’t get discouraged if (when) this happens. In fact, take it as a sign of your growth!These people want you to continue being the agreeable actor in their (sick?) world so that when you no longer show up for that role, they may stomp their baby feet and throw their baby fit! [And what have we learned? That's their reality so let them if they want to. You, however, can control your geography. Even if you have to use your feet to express yourself by walking away.]

I have faith in you! You deserve your best life. It’s up to you to go get it.

Until next time.

Namaste.

Recommended BookStore Sections: Integrity and Codependency

Source: Living Within Samsara

Are you a Highly Sensitive Person living in a (seemingly) insensitive world?

That’s a lonely feeling isn’t it? I remember feeling that way more than I did not feel that way. And, of course, because my life has not arrived into a state of Utopia, I still feel that way sometimes; Misunderstood, lonely, alone, sensitive, shy, introverted, or even moody. 

Do you want a solution? Hopefully this article can delve a little into how we can make some perception shifts and small changes so that our *insensitive* world either does not seem so insensitive or, even better, that we begin to not notice the insensitivity! For HSP’s [and it may be due to our very high intelligence...:)] this is no easy feat. And although that was a rather flip statement I made regarding high intelligence, I meant it for the most part. I have never met a dull HSP. I have met some HSP’s who did not have command of the written language or had poor spelling or grammar but the poignancy in which they would express themselves, would reveal that they were in fact true specimens of the Highly Sensitive modality! I know this, because we are quite unique.

Some Validation of your Highly Sensitive Person Status

A large part of my insecurity in this world came from not being validated as “normal” or “okay.” So I tried very hard to change characteristics of myself in order to be seen as “normal” or “okay.” The consequence is that not only was I now worse off, but even my acts of “normalcy” did not pan out and, in addition, I suffered from intense feelings of lower self-esteem.

Think about this for a moment: If the who you are is a standard deviation or so from the *normal* bell curve and you already feel like an unaccepted-into-this-world-freak, think logically about how you would feel if you practiced being within that bell curve and still were not accepted? At least in the first scenario, where you are being true to yourself, you are being who you are. And you may think it ridiculous, but I think it as truth that when we truly do honor who we are, the opinions of other people do not matter!

But for this section I want to validate that you are weird! Yes you are! Wonderfully, beautifully, exceptionally, and uniquely weird! You have an intuitive depth – or a deeply held spiriitual knowing – that some people may be flummoxed, bewildered, or threatened by! Our little secret is that they needn’t be! They do not know you for the lightworker or spiritual human I know you to be! So some people fear or dislike you if they sense this; But rest assured, most of these people are spiritually stunted and hence, why the fear! They fear you may see something in them they do not want to acknowledge. But again, it’s our secret that you are not of this world, but of the spirit world and thus, would never want to hurt them with this knowledge! So acknowledge your specialness. It’s an honor. It is an honor for me to be in such company as other HSP’s. It let’s me know I am no longer alone or the only one and it also validates that other empaths and intuitives exist to the extent that they, too, feel like freaks of nature!

You are a sensitive, empathetic, intuitive being of light who senses truth. You are almost a personal lie detector aren’t you? You’ve felt odd since the beginning and knew you were not like other people. You saw how others operated and interacted with each other but picked up whether they were interacting in truth or love, or whether they were dissembling, prevariacating, or whether the relationship was one based in spirit or one based in the world.

You’ve often seen yourself gravitating to people who were odd or unusual and you empathized with their plight. You understand the purity of children and of animals and you respect the spirit of life in all things. You do not share your self with just anybody because what is the point? Most of them would not understand anyway and you’ve never been one for small talk on fluffy matters. Those times you have opened up have left you feeling hurt or vulnerable many times and you vowed you’d close down forever on more than a few occasions because you just get that you’re a social retard.

You’re not socially retarded, just socially different; Spiritually advanced perhaps yields many social differences, but don’t be so quick as to label you as the one defective or slow! You choose to speak with others who are like you and who get you and though you may’ve found a few, most people just don’t get you so you figured something was wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you. It’s simply the equivalent of a genius trying to communicate to a two year old without knowing how to come down to the 2 yr olds level. That’s all. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with the 2 yr old being 2 is there? No, of course not! No more than there is anything *wrong* with the genius being a genius! The crime would be, however, if the genius pretended to not be one! Geniuses need to exist in order to teach others who come after them! Yes, use that analogy for the way in which you think I am intending it. :)

Take heart that even Elaine Aron did not coin this “HSP” concept. Perhaps she made the name more *mainstream* with her books with various “Highly Sensitive” terms in the title, but she was not the first. And what I am about to discuss may just very well blow your mind.

Even More Reasons your are Special

As those who belong to the SU Highly Sensitive Person’s Forum know, I make many great claims about HSP’s. I use terms like “psychic” and “empaths” and “indigo” and “chosen” and “Lightworkers.” Elaine Aron never makes any such claim to the best of my knowledge. To the best of *my* knowledge she simply claims we have an overclocked central nervous system.

I went further in my research.

The Synchronicity Comes Together: With my overclocked central nervous system and valuing the information I have learned about chakras, along with taking a test years ago that consistently revealed a “too open” crown chakra. With the dreams I would have often coming true. With revealing “feelings” of things that were going to come to pass and then they did. With my spiritual searching ever since a small child. With my deeply empathetic nature toward animals to almost an “animal-whisperer.” With having experienced paranormal things or things that happened outside the realm of normal explanation of this 3 dimensional world. With astral projection becoming normal for me and delving into chakra understanding. [And if all of this sounds weird, imagine being me!]

With all these reasons, I knew it was more than just a nervous system that could pick up all sorts of physical energy. I knew that HSP’s had a built in and seemingly involuntary system that picked up all spectrums of energy and waves of energy from the physical world into the metaphysical world.

The Seat of the Soul

I helped a friend move a couple of years ago so that when I would move November 2008, this book, Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav, continued popping up within my eyesight. Because I usually have 5 or 6 books going at any one time, it would be noteworthy to mention the uniqueness of this book that had my reading it every day before my meditations and nap.

As it begins on the back of the book, “The Seat of the Soul is about the birth of a new species – and the explosion of human perception past the five senses,” it brings up the Highly Sensitive Person as a “Multisensory.”

That this book was published in 1989 and goes on to describe precisely why and what the Multisensory human is about, it is the closest spiritual or metaphysical rendition of the HSP I have seen that does not end with the HSP being “an overclocked central nervous system attractor.”

If anyone has related with being a Highly Sensitive Person (in an otherwise ”insensitive” world), I think that Gary Zukav willl introduce you into a whole new world with his book “The Seat of the Soul.”

Chapters entitled Evolution, Karma, Reverence and Heart from the Introduction section to the the section entitled Responsibility with chapters entitled Choice, Addiction, Relationships and Soul and the Power section with chapters called Psychology, Illusions, Power, and Trust, I knew it was a book that I had meant to read. It does not specifically use the term “HSP” but instead, uses the term “Multisensory” and I knew that as I read, it was precisely describing me and my friends.

Zukav discusses this evolution and how we, as multisensories, can come into our own.

The Insensitive World

It sometimes seems as if the world is not cut out for the more unique aspects of personalities that humans can possess. Seems “they” would rather we all fit into a nice cubbyhole cut and shaped the same size and preferably to *their* cut and size. Yes, I have noticed that people here tend to think so highly of themselves that they want everyone – and sometimes even expect! – to be like them!

The term “normal” is over-rated. It just means “fitting in” with that bell curve that comprises most people, and societal expectations would also have us believe that happiness exists in the *normal* area. Do you agree with this? Yes, in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs we all want Social Acceptance so we look for others like us. The more we deviate from “normalcy” the harder it is to find others “like us” so thank God for the internet being a free and open media for the most part!

I am also a big believer in Abraham Maslow so that when people do not have their most basic needs or wants met, they cannnot ascend to their next need or want.

As my example has often been… If I cannot get oxygen, I am not going to worry about whether I am hungry or not. Well, like the HSP living in a non-accepting or non-understanding world, if we do not get our necessary acceptance in some fashion, how will our self-esteem ever get to the point of being okay enough in order to reach our self-actualization and finally, get on with helping others who come after us? This was *my* process!

So it’s my duty to tell you that you may never find the acceptance you need as a *different* person from the *earth people* or *normal people.* I think it was once I accepted this in my heart, that I was able to do God’s work and go out on my own to seek others like me who would accept me. I know it sounds like I skipped a Maslow step but not really. :) I had a few people in my life who *did* accept me enough and to the extent that it was a sufficient start for my self-esteem to reverse from it’s “pride in reverse” status.

And just because you may not find the acceptance you want from certain “normal” people does not mean you have to be subjected to abuses by others. If you are like me and suffered at the whims of people either making fun of you or overtly going out of their way to seemingly make you feel less than, belittled or odd, then I suggest you spend some time at the Codependent recovery section in that you learn that just because you are different, does not give anyone license to berate or belittle you!

Or if you already know about Codependent Recovery but need help with knowing how to respond to some of the words people use, or caustic manners of their speech, I would advise looking at the Words can Harm category or see the Words can Harm. Words can Heal series.

You have the God given and God spirited right to be as unique and as different as you need to be. God has blessed people – some more than others – with an exceptionally large light and if we try to quench that light for the sake of other peoples’ perceptions and hurtful words, well, for me, I realized I was going against myself, my intuitive voice, God, and the “who I am”. It’s wrong to do this on a basic level, but for me, it was life-threatening as I turned to alcohol and other harmful substances in which to keep me numb.

I hope that if you are currently hurting yourself trying to *fit* and keep your light at a “low brightness” that you reconsider and realize the resources at your disposal in which to help you be the best that you were meant to be.

Solution: So the solution for the “abnormal” [HSP, multisensory, or any other different sort of person who deviates from that dreaded "normalcy" of the bell curve] is simply accepting that not all normal people will *fill your bucket.* Then, go out and find the ones who will. We do this as intelligent beings because we know that we have work to do and should waste no more time in trying to get “normies” to understand us. They just won’t.

It’s better for them if they *accept* us because it shows they have an evolved spirit, but for us to get true acceptance to the point we’re no longer insecure about the who we are, I believe it’s imperative for us to have constant contact with others like us. Others, like us, will be behind us growing on the path we have just walked and our experience can help them, just as there will be others further along on our same path we can turn to to ask for help. And that’s how it works!

We can find others by nurturing our friendships with those our intuitive voices tell us to gravitate toward, we can read authors who are “like us,” we can write of our own experiences [make a blog or a website or even longhand a letter or in your journal] so that we can communicate with our subconscious or other Highly Sensitives and feel what our subconscious is trying to tell us or get feedback from our HSP friends we meet on the internet.

2012 Connection?

Remember! Nothing happens by accident. The fact it is 2008 and the internet is freely available and that the Highly Sensitive / Multisensory / Indigo is evolving at this time and are being called to search out others is no accident. It is my belief our intuitive voice [our "God inside"] is precisely being activated now, for some reason.

I do not mean to go into vastly off and New-Age territory, as I know that’s a large pill for some [of us] to swallow, but in understanding what 2012 is *really* about and doing your own research, you can find the fascinating historical basis for the 2012 theories and also some of the more  specious hypotheses for what is allegedly going to happen on December 21 2012. Here is a Wikipedia link on 2012 and here are my 2012 tags I have compiled on Stumble. I would of course advise you to do your own research.

Here’s a brief synopsis from what I know: The ancient Mayans predicted 2012 as the end of time. Now what happens when this happens has not been solidifed. Does anything haappen? Were the Mayans wrong? Is there a conscious shift in humanity? I don’t know. But I do know that I have read theories that say the Indigo – a new type of spiritual being – has been put here in order to help the transition. [Transition of what? Souls? Evolve peoples' minds or perceptions? To help *other* Indigos gain their footing in preparation for a future "not so insensitive world?"] I don’t know. I’m just speculating with what I have learned. Now, if you have anything to share on this, a comment is welcomed. :)

Conclusion

I want you to know that just because you may feel alone with your *gifts* you are not. Just because some people may not believe you or accept you due to your gifts, it does not mean you are less than. To the contrary.

Unlike us, many people in this world still think this material world is where it’s at. They are wrapped up in working or aquiring things, judging people, gossip, and all that other fluffy to negative stuff that make most multisensories quite ill. So when they judge or don’t accept you, think about the source of that judgement or non-acceptance.

Like speaks to like. The people who I really need to accept me, will. The people I don’t need to accept me, probably won’t. I have never had a problem knowing another person like me within the inside of 30 seconds. There is a reason you are repelled by some people – listen to your intuitive voice! There is equally a reason you are attracted to some people. Trying to contort yourself to get accepted by people who cannot possibly help to further your path is akin to running in the hamster wheel. And I think looking at it this way, can do good in re-positioning where your priorities need to be.

It’s my wish that we all learn the value of self-acceptance. It has been my experience that when we do accept ourselves completely, the opinions of people affect us less and less. Total freedom is being free from the opinions of other people and this is my goal. When I am achieving my goal, I can continue doing the good work that the God of my understanding / intuitive voice / highest self / spiritual self would have me do while not wasting my time on worldy endeavors.

Until next time.

Namaste my friends!

Source: Living Within Samsara

How often I was at the whim of the world, constantly waiting for permission to take care of myself. Perceiving I was under constant scrutiny from the outside world, it would seem I always waited for the world to take care of me. I waited for someone to say, “Well eat something!” or “Take a nap!” or “Do you want to go to the bathroom?”, or basically, “Yes, you have earned a reprieve. Go do what you need to do.”

The unfortunate consequence of my thinking this way often would lead to low blood sugar due to not eating, extreme lethargy and anger due to not sleeping, and even as a child, more than a few times, using the bathroom in my pants while standing up and in public.

The manifestations as an adult were often coupled with anger. I would never have admitted it at the time, but I would be angry at the person for not having read my mind. In fact, I would often even drop subtle cues like, “Gee. I haven’t had anything to eat since this morning.” or “the pee pee dance” or whatever the situation called for. I did it this way, not because I was manipulative, but because I had no voice.

From No or Little Voice to Developing my Voice 

Today I have a voice. Today my voice is usually strong. If I need something or I want something, I take care of it or, if appropriate, let someone know. I have the courage to ask for help when I need it and I have the courage to do what I need to do to take care of myself. It was not always this way.

As I endeavored upon my path of Codependent recovery – and if you’re reading this article, you are probably endeavoring as well – my voice grew. In fact, up until yesterday, if you would have asked me where these agreements came from that I could not ask for what I wanted or state what I needed or announce what I was going to do, I would have told you I did not know. My family of origin had alcoholic rules going on so mind-reading was the name of the game but outside of that, I think that societal expectations are key.

Societal Expectations

I said in another article that I think codependent dis-ease is the fastest spread of all socially unhealthy thought memes and I stand by it.

Codependency is a way of life. It’s not a mutant genetic formation. It’s not an organic disease. You probably can catch it since I’ve never seen anything spread faster than this warped view, but it’s probably more of a social dis-ease in the form of bad ideas spreading.

Especially today. Now. The bad news is that I am having some feelings of anger over socially induced “expectations” as well as the social dis-ease of “blaming and shaming.” The good news, is I get to share my process with others who may go through it as well as having an opportunity of letting people be where they need to be, and the always worthwhile “test” where I get to practice what codependent recovery has taught me! If you think I sound a little excited over feeling anger and insecurity, in the face of this, you would be right!  [Skip the below if gory details aren't your cup o' tea,]

What Happened: Today was a hard day for my beloved and I feel angry on behalf of him. I also feel angry on behalf of me. I also feel powerless to change some perceptions of manifested dis-ease and I even feel insecure at a deep level and, to be honest, wishing I was different. These yucky feelings were brought on because I chose – in the face of adversity – to “take care of myself” and to go to sleep while his parents were here.

My Defense: I even get angry, feeling I need to qualify myself and *justify* why it was okay for me to “take care of myself” in this manner. Watch how I do this; I have a condition called Epstein Barr to start with, that has me requiring sleep more than the average person. I have been known to share this openly with friends or people with whom I have softer boundaries. It’s usually no big deal and I only require a nap midday. [I think of myself as an old person - that's it!] Then last night, for whatever reason, my insomnia kicked in and my brain would not shush down. So I got out of bed around 3:30 am and became productive. His parents woke around 7:00 and I got them coffee, we chatted, and then I helped them dry off the deck table and chairs whereupon I would come back to continue on solving a work-related mini-crisis.

At around 9:30 am it kicked in and my exhaustion had me dizzy and zoning out. Thank God that was my clue. Back in the old days I would have taken Vivarin or No-Doz and had a beer or 12. Not this time. This time I told my beloved I needed to go to sleep. This upset him and I knew why. His parents would require an answer. In fact, as it would turn out, his parents would not just require an answer, but an amendment. His parents would have expected I not go to sleep altogether. Not to mention his kid would, a few minutes later, start a marathon of screaming and crying. Everyone’s nerves were raw [except mine, as I was trying to sleep and even then being unsuccessful, due to her torrential screaming].

When I awoke around 2:30pm after finally gotten a few minutes of sleeping, he relays that there was a blow-out and his parents had said some stuff that invoked me and they don’t feel welcome because I always go to sleep either when we visit them or when they visit me. Anyway, they would leave in a self-righteous huff of anger.

What makes me further angry is that if I didn’t make them feel welcome, then what the hell is all my “running around” and trying to play hostess when I am awake, about? Why do I go with him to visit his parents in the first place? Why, if my effort is not received, do make an effort at all? You see? So that’s what happened and where I am emotionally.

Examples of Family of Origin or Societal Expectations and Thought Memes:

1. Saying please and thank-you
2. Not dancing or singing on a public street
3. Women subserviating to their husband or boyfriend
4. Women cook for their family
5. Men mow the lawn
6. Men fix the things around the house
7. Teaching kids to do as *you say* rather than *as you do*
8. Not openly discussing feelings
9. Teaching girls to be nice to all people
10. Family members having no boundaries with each other
11. Women should want to get married and have children
12. It’s natural for men to want to remain bachelors and child-free
13. Women should not have a lot of sex or else they’re promiscuous
14. Men should have a lot of sex or else they must be abnormal
15. Not taking a nap when company [family of your beloved] stays the weekend?

These are just a few that exist or have existed in my world. Do some of them exist in yours? With no judgments on these memes or expectations, can you see how some of them can be harmful in your life? Some may be benign, but I maintain we should look at every agreement we find ourselves adapting – from our family of origin to society – and re-evaluate it for its worth in our life. A social rule of etiquette is not exactly why I live. How about you?

My Societal Expectations Exam - Spiritual Growth Tests

So my anger and insecurity are teaching me that I have an opportunity to display what I know. In fact, recovery is never as fun when life is going smoothly is it? I mean, can’t we all stay stopped drinking – or refrained from harmful behaviors – when nothing remarkable is going on?

I am a big believer in “universal tests” and not the kind that fundamentalists say: “God’s testing you.” That’s a gob of bullshit right there. My loving god does not invoke pain upon me! Why does she need to? My ego needs to be cracked and shed for me to enjoy serenity and spiritual growth so isn’t it more fitting to say that my ego causes my pain and I take my spiritual lessons and then my spiritual exam so that I can finally pass? [ie, Win against my ego? Shed another layer of ego so to speak?]

Universal tests are those “opportunities” we have to exemplify what we have learned so that when we have shown we’ve mastered it, we can adopt yet another *Zen Master* as we move up the “dharma karma chain”.

Sanity in the Simplicity – Who is my Master?

It’s as simple as this. Who is my Master? Societal Expectations [ie, Ego/Material World] or a Loving God [ie, My Spirit/the Who I am?]

Will I choose to revert back to a “people-pleaser” and in doing so, risk relapsing back into drinking, anorexia, and pills to stay awake while simultaneously making society or other people my highest power as my spiritual life becomes once again thwarted? OR Will I make the choice to not become a “people-pleaser” and, instead, remain a spiritual seeker and “God pleaser” where my highest good is had within my Spirit as I continue to seek God’s will for me in all things? So basically: Man’s World or God’s World is the choice.

The Invocation

It’s a choice we all can make. It’s not as easy as it looks. It all looks nice, written down or reading it here in my article. And in reading this now you probably no longer feel alone, like I no longer feel alone in sharing it with you. But the facts are more difficult. The reality of choosing is a lot more severe with as deep as you go in developing your Spiritual Life. This is my truth and this is the truth of others who have gone before me. [Think of the Bible story of Job for example. Or think of Gandhi getting beaten while actively remaining true to his spirit. Or think of Martin Luther King. Or even think of Jesus.]

In the reality, though, we walk alone. And sometimes, can feel our most alone in doing it. We may even feel lonely in doing it…and in feeling that loneliness, may question if we’re really even on the right path. And in the face of people staring at us or accusing us or calling us names or making judgments, or even chaos, can you see how choosing our spiritual path / God / God’s will / our highest good / our intuitive voice is not always so easy?

Sometimes it’s clear and simple but that’s not the same as easy is it?

My friend said something I’d never heard of before and I thought it was lovely: “Courage is fear that’s said its prayers.” And this is what is required for us to begin or continue travelling our, often lonely, path. And not to become too maudlin, but this path is not as lonely as it seems at first. Yes, often you may be or feel alone while you stand in your truth amid many people or groups who are “shoulding” all over you, but there are others. We just have to find them! :) [I found some by creating my HSP group on Stumble! I have friends on Newsvine who are like me. I go to 12 step recovery meetings! God, I believe, when we begin looking, will put others in our path who will teach us, mentor us, or even befriend or validate and affirm us! We just have to not remain in fear and open our eyes!]

But what about when People hate that I follow my Spirit?

Codependent recovery as well as Alcoholism recovery and every other 12 step recovery process teaches us that we’re powerless over other people. Now let’s not go extreme here. We’re not powerless when people come into our home and disrespect us. We’re not powerless over having friendships with people who dishonor us time and time again. Basically, do not confuse this to mean you don’t have any power *in* a relationship. The thought is there to teach us that we may not ultimately have power over other people, so that we can focus on what we *do* have power over, and that is ourselves.

If other people have anger about our doing what we need to do in order to take care of ourselves, it seems to me, then, that they are angry because we’re either not living up to their expectations, or they’re angry that they are powerless over us. In my world view oriented toward spiritual growth, both of these reasons are born and bred of dis-eased thinking. And this is the social dis-ease I have a problem with. This thought that has grown popular that we have power over other people or that we somehow should have power over other people.

Examples of expressions reflecting this popular social dis-ease:

1. “What is wrong with you?” [Shaming, blaming mechanism.]
2. “You should stay awake when my parents visit.” [Shoulding rhymes with shitting.]
3. “You shouldn’t do that.” [Why not? Who says? But it's healthy for me.]
4. “You shouldn’t think that or feel that way.” [Why not? Who says? But I do.]
5. “You made me angry.” [Blaming you for their feelings. Expecting you to solve them.]
6. “It’s your fault that we…” [Blaming. Not taking responsibility for their own feelings, wants or needs.]
7. “This is not normal.” [Way too many weird things for me to pick just one here!]
8. “You are not normal.” [Shame, judging, labels.]
9. “If you loved me at all you would…” [Emotional blackmail is manipulation.]
10. “You need to…” or “You have to…” [Why? The real truth is all we have to do is die eventually.]

These statements are each reflecting dis-ease when said in the context of trying to control someone.

I think a lot of it comes from childhood. I really do. It comes from childhood, due to a child’s natural lack of autonomy. And also, maybe, due to the fact that if the child screams, cries, or yells and blames that she will eventually get what she wants. So as children we learn that we’re at the whims of our parents or adults, right? And to get what we want we have to throw fits. Our parents maybe used shaming techniques on us. Maybe we overhear them blaming the world. It’s natural we’d grow up to mimic that *authority* we view as *normal* and *correct.*

So when any of these statements are made, I know more about that person than they will ever know about me. I know this because they’re so self-involved with how everyone does things *wrong* that they lack the spiritual understanding necessary to see where their discomfort really comes from. [Hint: Their own mitote. Their own views. Their own needs and wants. These ideas have nothing to do with me, yet these people will blame me for not merging into their worldview of "propriety" or "normal" rather than taking responsibility for it being their world view.]

As well as myself, I have friends who tried hard to *be normal* and fit in with this world view that society is their higher power. Simultaneously trying to diminish or hide their own creativity and uniqueness, that they hid who they were “during the day” and drank or drugged or self-mutilated at night. Numbing up that voice in their head that *shoulded* and *shamed* them all day was the only way they knew how to gain a respite from the shackles of the world.

We gain our “normal” world view as children. We learn to associate authority with “correctness.” And who in our world has bothered to ever correct that perception? So when a child says, “You made me angry” instead of “I’m angry” we understand where that comes from – because the child actually does lack resources in which to understand her feelings are her own. But as she grows up, if she is not taught differently, she will be stuck in this dis-ease. She will outwardly continue to try to conform while her insides remain dispirited. How do I know this is dis-ease? Because if we really do expect the world to conform to us, we will forever be miserable, addicted, alcoholic, workaholic, controlling… Or we’ll kill ourselves to escape the lie we can’t seem to rise above.

So, when our family or friends or even strangers seem to have a problem with what we are doing, let them have it! [The problem, that is!] It’s their problem, why would you want to pick it up and take responsibility for it? You are simply doing what you need or want to do while here, following your path. You’re listening to your intuitive voice or following your spirit. You, my dear, are taking care of yourself! So, if valuing your parents opinions over your life and you can never seem to please them – have you counted the times you tried bending over backwards? – then why don’t you go on ahead and examine how that’s working for you? If not working too well, then what’s better? Feeling bad because you can’t be “good” or “normal” enough no matter how you try and bend over backwards trying to pretend to be how they think you ought? Or feeling at least good enough about living in your own skin and happy in your spirit even though you may feel momentarily sad that, this too, they disapprove of?

So for people who may hate that I follow my spirit, that is too bad. :) In fact, if they use it to their advantage, they may begin evolving as well because ”When I am taking care of myself to the best of my ability, you cannot help but to take care of yourself.” In this, they have an opportunity to grow. But for others, they will simply sink lower in trying to exert more control or play the martyr or stay drunk. At least, though, you are giving them the opportunity of choice! In short, by bending over backwards and playing up to dis-eased thinking, we do no one any favors; Most of all, ourselves. 

How to Evolve to follow my Spirit – Rise

An evolved or evolving spirit who recognizes this world for the dis-ease it has, realizes that every person here is to be honored for the path they are on. They will probably also recognize that people are not only entitled but should be encouraged to continue following along their own spiritual growth! A person recovering from dis-ease of this world did not get here by accident.

In my experience, no one has ever woken up one morning and said, “Oh hey! Trying to conform to the world is misery because it’s all based on a lie – an illusion! I think I’ll change and evolve above that!” That would be nice and maybe it’s happened with some…but even the Buddha had to take notice of what was going on the world before he began his journey to enlightenment. For me, it happened with my alcoholism and subsequent codependent issues.

So that when I gave up drinking because my life was guttered and I was afraid of ending in suicide, I knew then I had to make some life changes. Not outward ones; internal ones. The biggest one was releasing my old ideas. That meant re-evaluating every one that caused me distress in some way. The natural side effect is that my internal ideas naturally change my external ways of doing things – and yes, often at the chagrin and displeasure of family, other people or society. But I have a saying: “Keep up or get out of the way.” Those are their only choices because a human will not hinder me today. I will rise.

I talk about concepts like “mitote” and “re-evaluating my former agreements” and it’s because of The Four Agreements. There are other books – and even some more spiritually adept – but this is the book that I read after I became involved with alcoholic recovery. There is probably no need to buy the book if you follow my articles, because since the concepts became seeded and eventually took root in me, there is nothing I can discuss or be a part of that will not have some of the concepts of this book coming out.

It was after this book and a year of alcoholic recovery that I would become a part of Codependent Recovery by way of the Twelve Steps. And besides other outside literature dealing with spiritual matters, I would then seek out the wisdom of Melody Beattie, a woman who also having been an alcoholic mess, began her own journey of healing from the opinions and whims of other people. And again I have to say, because the concepts were planted inside of me and took root, little will I say or ways I behave that will not have it’s origination in codependent recovery.

Begin Taking Care of Yourself 

So we Rise. Sometimes Quickly. Sometimes Slowly. But we Rise.

We take care of ourselves because no one is as invested in our own serenity, usefulness, and happiness as we are. We take care of ourselves because our path is individual and someone else on a different path may be stunted and we do not want to follow them, knowing that if we do, we will be stunted. We gain courage by recognizing that fear is normal when we’re about to embark on change but that we can feel the fear and do it anyway! We will understand that sometimes we may feel alone and even often lonely but know that though we may walk our path sometimes alone, we are never truly alone; There are others walking this path too.

We understand that agreements in this life can change anytime we need to; Anytime we realize these agreements have quit working or never did. We acknowledge and get that there will be people in this life who disagree with our path and though it may be disappointing or even hurt, we rise anyway.

Until Next Time.

Namaste.

Codependent material and books at my bookstore

Source: Living Within Samsara

Good afternoon friends! After several messages of friends online asking “How do I help an alcoholic friend stop drinking?” I knew, then, I needed to do something. Therefore, I am going to offer some suggestions. But before you take off with these suggestions, I am sure to have some Al-Anons or Codependents who’ve arrived at this page and their mouths may be agape with the thought, “I knew it! I knew it was possible! I knew I could get him to stop drinking!” Or for those of you in Al-Anon or Codependent recovery, “They never told me this in Al-Anon!”

Rest assured. These tips are coming only from me; Being a double winner of Al-Anon recovery [by way of Alateen in High School] and later, when alcohol proved more successful than alateen recovery and then finally to Alcoholics Anonymous and then back to Al-Anon I went. :)

In short order: This is my experience from both sides and if Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon recovery has taught me anything it’s that I can only share my experience, strength, and hope. I will not offer advice or any other thing that I did not do or that did not work for me to get sober. Everything I will share played a part in turning this self-loathing helpless and hopeless daily drinking life-fearing suicide-attempting alcoholic into the woman who sits before you now; Happy, whole, serene, sober, non-drinking.

How to Help an Alcoholic Quit Drinking

1. Don’t let it remain a secret. Secrets have no light. Under the cloak of darkness and hiding is where dis-ease flourishes and they best flourish as secrets. It encourages shame and as long as shame by way of secrecy is an aspect of any dis-ease, healing cannot begin. Remove the secrecy; remove the shame and stigma. Then we can start. 

Examples of not allowing the suspected alcoholism remain a secret: “You’re drinking a lot. This worries me.” or “Have you ever thought about trying to quit drinking?” or “I don’t know but it seems like you’re drinking an awful lot these days.”

2. Don’t judge or label. The trick with not letting the potential victim of alcoholism maintain the secrecy and shame is an attitude of tolerance and non-judgement.

Trust me. Believe me. If you pass judgement on an alcoholic or potential alcoholic, or shame them, this will feed their alcoholism and provide a great excuse to keep going. Alcoholics deal with their emotions by drinking [it is all they know] and if you’re trying to help them, this would be counter-productive to the goal. [If you need help with learning how to communicate please read my Words can Harm. Words can Heal series.]

If you have a difficult time believing that alcoholism is more than a matter of sheer willpower and you somehow think that shaming might work, think about this truth. I am a typical alcoholic. I did not have any tools other than alcohol in which to deal with myself. If I had a bad memory, I drank. If I felt sad, I drank. If I felt happy, I drank. If I had something to celebrate, I drank. Something to mourn, I drank. I did not know what else to do in the face of emotions; particularly fear and shame. You shame an alcoholic and what have you just done? You have just shamed an alcoholic. That’s it. Just given another excuse to need to drink. It is not about willpower. It is about a real live deficiency in their emotional and mental toolkit. Would you shame a retarded person or a schizophrenic or even a diabetic or cancer victim? The American Medical Association does classify alcoholism as a disease. Therefore, this is not a matter of “just stopping” for the alcoholic by way of shaming or insulting. It is a disease.

3. Don’t force but do make the offer to help. Timing, however, is critical. In the life of an alcoholic there are often presented many small to large windows of opportunity in which s/he would be receptive to alcoholism assistance. These windows are usually after some episode in which one could characterize as an unusual experience.

Some times I was receptive to assistance were plenty: When I threw up on myself after passing out on my bed naked. When I’d been arrested for underage drinking. When I was taken to the emergency room for alcohol poisoning and black-out as a teenager. After yet another regrettable night of promiscuous sex in which I’d either been passed out, in a black out or using bad judgement. When I drove drunk to pick up my step-son. When I destroyed my sister’s living room furniture in order to kick her boyfriends ass. When the police were called on me because I was having fun with a butcher knife.

The reason for this timing should be clear; Alcoholics are more receptive to assistance when they have just suffered a consequence due to their drinking. It would not be advisable to approach an alcoholic who is drunk, however, if a drunk alcoholic approaches you or begins crying for help while drunk or under the influence – even just buzzed -  it may be appropriate to leave the information with her/him.

How to help. Here are some suggestions only:

Call your local Alcoholics Anonymous and get their meeting information to give to your friend or do what I did once and go so far as to email the local meeting schedule to your friend. [Meeting areas can be found at the AA website.]

Or call another alcoholic you may know who has quit drinking.

Or visit your local A.A. and buy a copy of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous to offer your friend or relative as a gift. [Buying it from an A.A. meeting place will be at cost - which is usually $6 to $9 - depending upon where you are in the world; if you buy it elsewhere you may pay a higher price but if you click the image to your left, there are usually people on Amazon who will sell their *used* book rather cheaply!]

4. Remember that you are just the seed planter. But your role is vital! It is true that you cannot get an alcoholic sober. It is not true that you are powerless. You have many options depending upon your relationship with the one you suspect of alcoholism. Do not feel discouraged if your “help” has not been acted upon or you see nothing “good” coming from it yet. Too often we’re eager to see the fruits of our work take hold but when an addiction like alcoholism is involved, the victim of it must seek the actual help herself and must do the work in getting and staying sober I do not care what anyone else tells you. [Please see the end of these suggestions for more general information of the mind of an active alcoholic.]

If we can think of ourselves as doing the good work, for the right reason, then the results are really none of our business is how I look at it. Now, I fully realize that that’s a harsh pill to swallow if you’re the parent, the child, or the spouse or relative of an alcoholic who is killing herself. I know this. I know how hard it is to accept. So, until they’re ready, continue to love them but no need to love or enable their disease. [See #5.] 

Seeds that were planted within me that eventually took hold were many! I am very glad that the seeds that were planted -from my teenage years on – eventually did root and grow! I am also glad that the people who took time with me didn’t say, “She is not ready yet! We should withhold our efforts for someone who is ready!” Solid A.A.’s remember this when a newcomer comes in.

5. Get help for yourself if necessary. Alcoholism or alcoholic family members or relatives do not live in a vacuum separate from the alcoholic, even though it may feel like you’re on different planets! Chances are that if you’re currently living with an alcoholic, you are living according to what I call “Alcoholic Rules.” These rules are usually generational, meaning that if you never even pick up a drink and your Dad is currently “the alcoholic” in the household, you are going to adopt these rules, function within these rules and then pass these rules to your own children or household:

1. Anticipate. Anticipate the alcoholics needs so they need not do anything! After all, if you meet their needs, they may not *want* to drink! Turn into a people-pleaser and a mind-reader!
2. Beg. Beg the alcoholic to change! Add some nagging for good measure. 
3. Control. Make sure to try to control the alcoholic. Manipulating is good too. In fact, why stop there? Make sure to control every situation and even the non-alcoholics in the family! If you can exert more control, surely things will change!
4. Deny. Denial is necessary! Don’t think about it. Don’t talk on it. Don’t tell on it. Tell yourself there is no problem.
5. Enable. Enable the disease. Don’t allow the victim to feel the consequences. Bail out of jail. Give money. Call in sick for the victim. Make plenty of excuses.
6. Fret. Walk on eggshells. Feel hopeless and helpless but only when no one is looking.
7. Gag Order. Make sure you gag order the family so they cannot get help! See #3 & #4.
8. Hero. Be the hero of the family. Everyone loves a martyr!
9. Isolate. Make sure to isolate. Alcoholism loves this one and tries to get everyone doing it. Remember that dis-ease loves secrecy! See #7 so everyone does it!
10. Justify. Justify why all of the above are necessary and work for your way of living and repeat. These rules will then infiltrate every aspect of your life enabling the progression of your own dis-ease! [Codependency, raging, workaholism, over-eating, pills, and even the beginning of your drinking career!]

The above rules are often seen even in households in which there is no alcoholism due to the nature of how we pass along what we know idown generational lines. But if these rules are exhibited in a household with no alcoholic, you may still seek help in order to stop these rules from destroying you. [See here for my Codependent Books.] 

If these rules seem familiar to you and you think you need help, Al-Anon and Alateen  are organizations comprised of people who understand. They understand the secrecy, the pain, the powerlessness, the anger… Both helped me to understand the effects of alcoholism and how to choose a different way of living that led to serenity despite and while living in the midst of a person whose solution was to stay lit.

More about Alcoholism for the Non-Alcoholic

The Mind of an Alcoholic – An alcoholics mind can be perfectly well-balanced except as it pertains to alcohol. A normally honest spouse will lie if he has to regarding his alcohol. Normally smart about money-matters, if you have a relative you suspect of drinking [or doing drugs for that matter] and it becomes coupled with not having enough money and the punchline is ‘can they borrow some?’ it may very well be related to their drinking.

Alcoholics are funny, too, in that – although they may not be completely aware of it [I wasn't] – they think they have a secret. The entire world can witness the barrage of trouble they seem to find themselves in or take note [as was my case] how they would shut the door and unplug the phone and not emerge for weeks, but they really think as if it will go unnoticed. Alcoholism is a very twisted disease.

Drinking is only a Symptom – I know it is strange for non-alcoholic people to even begin to understand this disease called alcoholism, and to tell you the truth, even alcoholics in recovery frequently refer to the disease as it’s relayed in the Big Book, “cunning, baffling, powerful!” What we do know is that over-drinking or dependence on drinking or drinking despite negative consequences is only a symptom. Where recovery comes in is equipping the alcoholic with more productive tools than the drinking that has turned damaging.

Alcohol was my Friend until it Wasn’t - Alcohol did not judge me. Alcohol gave me confidence for my otherwise introverted nature. Alcohol eased my discomfort at being around other people. Alcohol eased my emotional turbulence. Alcohol was always there for me. This is my truth and this is how it started. But, not even getting started good as a teenager, it began turning on me.

I could never seem to just stick with any limit I would impose upon myself. I remember begging my sister, as a teenager, before I began drinking for the night, to not let me drink  more than three. [Three happened to be my magic number when the *feel really good* kicked in.] I remember how she tried, my poor sister. But in the end, my manipulation, my lies of “Oh I didn’t mean it” worked. It always worked. But in case I sensed it wouldn’t, there was always the threat of physical violence or ruining the good time we were having. Nothing was off limits when it came to feeding my alcoholism.

So what does an alcoholic do when her only solution turns into her biggest problem? She looks for another solution. Some alcoholics choose suicide and still, others choose to continue drinking [sometimes being directly or indirectly responsible for leading them to jails, institutions, and/or an alcohol-related death]. I chose a different route.

My solution was to learn other tools so I would not have to drink for my solution and that is what I did. There are a few ways to get into this solution. Alcoholics Anonymous [I did this one] Rational Recovery [this too!], a spiritual awakening [like I had] … The point is, there is no monopoly on solutions to stop drinking although some solutions may try to claim as such. Even the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous concedes this point. The main point for you, as the person who wants to help a potential alcoholic, is that for every personality of alcoholic, there is a solution. However, if you start throwing 500 different alternatives to an alcoholic hoping one of them will stick, you may frustrate them so go slow, easy does it, don’t force. Simply be available.

Is Alcoholics Anonymous a Cult? Yes, maybe and no, not at all. First of all, if you read the first 164 pages of the Alcoholics Anonymous Book [as well as the Traditions] – and you can read it online here  – you will see that A.A. is almost anarchy in it’s approach! There are no rules, no mandates, no lectures to be endured… And those are facts. That is Alcoholics Anonymous at the core. But.

Then we have the meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous and meetings are only as good as the Traditions of A.A. they follow. [The Traditions are in the Big Book also, that suggest to A.A. how to "order" itself.] This means that some people have, indeed, suffered some bad A.A. meetings [myself included]. But like any social organization it is prone to the indulgences of ego. The good news is that there are many meetings and some, even online.  

So can you be an Al-Anon target as well as an Alcoholic? Absolutely. I was. I am. I was in Alateen while I was using drinking. Eventually I went full fledged over to drinking in order to deal with every problem I had. When I got sober is when I went back to Al-Anon because although I was now sober and developing new tools in which to deal with life in general, I still wasn’t at ease with family members and friends who continued drinking or living within alcoholic rules. Going around them or talking to them made me feel scared, angry, and powerless; All the reasons I drank to start with.

Final Word about Alcoholism

Alcoholism is a treatable disease. Although it manifests as a physical affliction, the disease centers around the mind. No one can force an alcoholic to seek treatment or force an alcoholic into sobriety or make an alcoholic quit drinking short of trying to lose your mind in the process. However, as a friend or family member who cares for and loves an alcoholic we can help the alcoholic stop drinking. Our only responsibility is to carry the message that there is hope. If we judge or label the drinker as an alcoholic or try to manipulate situations in which to force outcomes or enable their disease an easy time of continuing to ruin our beloved’s life, we can be almost assured that the disease will win every time.

I like to look at it as a battle. The disease of alcoholism will use everything it can to isolate the drinker from help. It will manipulate, lie, ruin relationships, and everything else it can think of in order to win the soul of our beloved. If we do the same thing – given that we are not as powerful as this insidious disease – who does it seem will logically win? Therefore, let’s get rid of the fight fire with fire mentality and, instead, engage the mentality of “fighting fire with water.”

We continue to love our friends and relatives who are harming themselves. We listen with compassion at their plight when they want to talk. We do not allow, however, the disease to lie to us or to remain activated in secrecy. We are honest with our loved ones and strong in the face of their sickness. We do not enable, make excuses, or agree to the alcoholic rules. And at the same time, we are loving, kind, and patient. But sometimes this means getting well, ourselves, first – before we can help our loved ones who may be under the influence of alcohol.

If you are currently living in hell with an alcoholic I pray and encourage you to seek health and serenity for yourself first. After all, we cannot transmit hope for another until we have realized hope for ourselves.

If I can help in any other way, please leave a comment at the bottom of this article.

Namaste my beautiful friends.

Take care of yourself.

Suggested Links or Links Mentioned in this Article [Will open in this window] :

• Alcoholics Anonymous Website
• Find an A.A. Meeting @ the AA website
• Read the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous Online
• Alcohol Recovery Books from my Bookstore [New and Used]
• Rational Recovery Website 
• Rational Recovery Book
• Al-Anon and Alateen Family Services Website
• Al-Anon Recovery Books from my Bookstore [New and Used]
• Codependent Articles at Living within Samsara
• Recovery Articles at Living within Samsara
• Codependent Recovery Books from my Bookstore [New and Used]
• My Autobiography – My Recovery Story

Source: Living Within Samsara

I think we associate ‘No’ with negative as in negative feelings and negative consequences. I know I used to. As a child, being told ‘No” was usually accompanied by a look or a tone. As a result, I think I grew up thinking No was just ‘bad.’ As a further extension of this, I avoided saying it – ever. I would go so far as to end relationships in secrecy so I wouldn’t have to say No. I don’t know what I thought would happen – that the world would end?

I was a chronic “Yes” person and have been recovering for a little over 4 years. Now I am not talking about in the office place necessarily. I am talking about in relationships; Personal relationships. A friend asks me to help her move on a Saturday and I say “Yes” without hesitating. Another friend asks if anyone would help her paint her house and I say “Yes” although I had plans of my own. Another time a friend asks if I would go out for a late night of fun with her. Although I had a mild surgery scheduled at 8:00am the next morning I said – that’s right – ‘Yes’.

See. I would say “Yes” without thinking of myself or my life or plans. For me it was almost a disorder. Chronic disorder. It became commonplace for other friends to say, “I can’t. Ask Digits. She’ll say yes.” I am like Mikey except I didn’t eat anything; I Yes-sed anything. It was really quite debilitating.

So yesterday, when my friend relays her husband never knew of the lump sum of money she loaned to her relative and she expressed annoyance and feelings of victimization over losing that money that will never get repayed – she is confident now – I began thinking back to when I realized I had a problem with ‘Yes’ myself and how I came to work on the recovering from it.

First of all, “Yes” is only a problem when I say “Yes” and then have that bad feeling in my stomach after. And because I said “Yes” when I genuinely wanted to and when I genuinely didn’t want to, I had that feeling in my stomach quite a lot. My personal life suffered. My other relationships suffered. My own goals and projects suffered. But I guess the good news is that people always knew they could rely on me. The bad news, also, is that people always knew they could rely on me.

I’m all for realness in a relationship. I believe friends are put here to help each other. And it’s not as if I was a giver only. I am a taker too. But when my newest mentor would ask me a question and before she could get the words out I am “Yes”-ing her, she began to sense there may be a problem.

“Why don’t you take some time to think about that?” she asked.
“Oh no. I don’t need to.” I responded.
“Well, I’ll call you back tomorrow and ask for your answer again. Feel free to change your mind.” she said.
“Okay.” I said.

So when later that night my Mom reminded me she was coming into town and would I still be meeting her at the airport at the same time I had already “committed” to being somewhere with my mentor, I breathed a sigh of relief and realized that had my mentor not understood I had this problem, I would be back peddling plans I’d made with my Mother months prior. This wouldn’t have been copacetic!

So I called my mentor as soon as I hung up with my Mom and begrudgingly confessed I already had plans I waited for her to “Told you so” or something like that. She never did. If I remember correctly, her words were something along the lines of, “Okay. Well good. I am glad you took that time to think about it and let me know.” I laughed. She laughed. Then she lovingly suggested,

“I suggest that from now on when someone asks you a question that involves a commitment, even if you are confident you can make that commitment, that you always respond, ‘Can I think about that and get back to you?’”

I will not claim I am perfect at this these days but I will claim that I have gotten better. I write this article to remind me of the benefits I have sustained since responding in the above fashion and not say “Yes” as a gut reaction.

• Feeling empowered as to the direction of my life.
• When I do say Yes I feel as if I really mean it.
• The friend I have asked to think about it to will almost always say okay!
• If I do say Yes to the friend I have asked for time, she knows that I mean it and value the commitment I am making.
• If I do say No to the friend I have asked for time, she knows she was worth my thinking about even though the answer is No.
• I feel as if I always have a choice.
• I haven’t had a need to gain a resentment by doing something I didn’t want to do in the first place!
• I no longer feel guilty when I put my needs or goals first.
• People really do respect the person who says “Can I think about that?” rather than the “Yes” – person.

So back to my friend, where I originally started. I thought of the times after my mentor began working with me on this problem I had and how I loved how the Universe started testing me straight-away. In a three day succession, I would have people I know, call me and want to borrow money I couldn’t feel comfortable “loaning” to them. I was so happy with my new “permission” to get back to them I felt in these instances I could simply say, “I’m sorry. I can’t afford to lose that money. And our relationship is too valuable.”

[Yes, my lesson 6 months prior had been to not loan money but to give it without the expectation I would ever see it again. So if I couldn't afford to give it away I should never "loan" it.]

All of those three relationships, I still have today and without resentments. 

My poor friend yesterday said Yes and now she has a resentment. Made worse by the fact the borrower is a relative of hers. Had my friend said No initially, I wonder how differently things would have turned out for her and her relationship. She is now worried her husband may find out. She knows, now, she will never get the money back. Her relationship is strained with her relative. And she’s angry and feeling victimized. On the plus side, though, maybe her relative will never ask to borrow money again.

As for my friend, though, I lovingly suggested that when anyone asks her a question – even if she feels like she can commit to it – to always respond, “Let me think about that and can I get back to you?”

And if necessary or you just want to, say No.

It may be the kindest thing you can do for yourself, your friend, or your relationships.

See also: What is Codependency?

The above article made its debut at Newsvine.

Reprinted here and with my own permission. :)

Source: Living Within Samsara

“Controlling codependent bitch” is the term that would have someone visiting my “Quit Punishing Me” article this evening. Reading the article again, ever mindful of the search term used to reach it, I was reminded how insidious and damaging controlling behavior is.

Quit Punishing Me was an article I’d written in the middle of a confusing, sad, lonely time in my life; Trying to adjust to a new relationship and establish new boundaries while attempting to grieve a loss of a past relationship and family. What I did not need were emotionally controlling people or their controlling nature’s exploiting me or my grief. I’ve been through too much recovery and have written and journaled and discovered too much about myself to let myself landslide back into that abyss of self-hate when I allow another person autonomy over me or my feelings.

Tonight the timing would be perfect that I would happen to check the keyword logs because often I don’t. Some of the phrases people use to get here break my heart but most are constant reminders that as long as people co-exist in human form, so too will apparently a need to heal ourselves.

“Harming Me to Teach Me a Lesson”

Speaking of healing myself. Why I wasn’t thinking clearly is because tonight, on the internet, in a game, and in a community I am involved in, someone tried to “teach me a lesson.” I haven’t felt so emotionally sick from controlling behavior for a while now that I could not believe what I was reading; this message. This person explained the reason he harmed me was due to “teaching me a lesson.” It was because I had done a thing in a way he did not like. It’s not that he harmed me and that’s what made me sick. What made me sick was that he harmed me and then, attempting a typical control-freak psychological manipulation, tried to justify it.

Justification: When we have to justify something it is because we’re trying to intellectualize something we know in our spirit to be inauthentic. We are living without integrity but because that truth is a bitter pill, we use our brains [Our Voice of Knowledge] to have things make sense; To reconcile our actions with our Spirits; To excuse ourselves from spiritually inexcusable behavior. It’s the ego’s way of keeping us center of the world and doing no wrong because remember, the ego’s job is to protect us at all costs. The larger the ego, the less one is “wrong” and the more “justification” is needed.

Not that inquiring of a person’s motives or intentions is the reason to refrain from “teaching lessons” or “attempting manipulation or control of another person’s actions”, because control, manipulation, or teaching lessons is a lower energy all by itself, but often if we can glean the motives or intentions of a person we may see their truth and their truth will usually not be provoking us into the God-like task of “teaching lessons.” [The mentally or emotionally deranged; the severest of controlling and codependent personalities excluded.]

Teaching Lessons, Controlling, or Manipulating: The problem when entering into the God area is that one has then assumed to be greater than the other. One has also assumed that the other is in need of changing. Further than that, one has then designated oneself to be the one who will change the other. S/He will fix, manage, or control you until you change or? s/he goes crazy. What usually happens, if the relationship endures despite issues of controlling behavior is that the one attempting control becomes embittered, insane, psycho, “bitch” and yes, crazy …and addicted to his illusion of control. The illusion continues to elude them, and like a junkie, quick to get their next fix, they delve further and further into the pit of insanity always forever trying to control more and more things around them. But like Dr. Phil would say, because there is a pay-off of some sort, they continue.

The pay off, at least with the controlling people in my life is that A.) I usually stayed engaged in the relationship and B.) I got better at hiding the things the person tried “controlling” out of me. These days, however, I have learned terms like detachment and I employ detachment liberally; emotionally and physically. I also no longer hide the things a person has tried to control out of me. To do this would be disingenuous to my spirit and I am choosing integrity these days – even if in my integrity I make a mistake. Yes; I have given myself liberal permission, too, to make mistakes. [Control freaks REALLY hate that!]

So when it’s a stranger you don’t know, inflicting harm upon you – intentionally – and adding insult to the already smarting injury, follows up with complete frontal knowledge of his attack, explains amid his justifications that if you do it such and such a way the next time, you will not get into further trouble with him. How would you handle that?

Here’s How I Handled that

Fortunately for me, and unknowing to him, the lesson he would be teaching would be of a higher purpose than the plan I imagine he set out to accomplish. The lesson in this for me was: After learning everything I have learned and practiced regarding “Shame, Blame, Manipulation” and the personalities that invoke them in the name of control, can I now take the test and pass? Have I learned the lesson that God wants me to learn?

Although I said earlier that if others were to inquire first, of our motives or intentions, this could often extinguish the human nature so many people possess of “wanting to get even,” or “teach a lesson,” but when it passes that point and a person has seemingly assumed the worst in your nature or else they are beyond hope and could not care less – those being the extreme versions of self-centeredness and self-will run riot – then what? You thank them. Of course.

I Thanked Him for Teaching me a Lesson & for Being Nice

I’ve often said that “my truth doesn’t need a defense and a lie doesn’t deserve one” [Justification] but in this case, a total stranger…I was in unknown territory…and the callousness and self-righteousness sound of it all. So after pausing – because I was agitated, I consulted with the light within and finally responded by thanking him for teaching me a lesson. So yet another note followed soon after with many words of explanation, justification, and the phrase that he was just “trying to be nice” and many others would have “pounded me” worse. That he, in fact, had done me a great service.

Thank you for being nice to me. I have [done this numerous times] and have never been pounded as you say. You’re the first who has taught me a lesson and have been nice to me. Thanks again.

Then He Sent Me Points and Bonuses for the Game

I suppose my lesson was then successfully learned. I have met this person time and time again in my life but I have, since, developed a manner of living that doesn’t require interacting with people like this so I was a bit shaken. In the world I live in, these days, people are trying to not be controlling; In the least, most of them are aware when the monster begins to rear its head. To see it so effacingly full force was disconcerting. It told me that controlling behaviors are still running rampant, being spread and fed by the people like us who have been trained to have fear from those personalities who use those behaviors.

But not me. Not Today. And probably not tomorrow.

Source: Living Within Samsara

I see the petitions for peace. I hear the pleas for an end to America’s somebody’s so-called “War on Terror.” I can’t help but think as I browse the internet, watch the news, read the opinions, and reflect on my own feelings, “Peace at all costs?”

Are people so hungry for peace amid turpitude that they are willing to overlook pieces [peace] of their soul for it? I say this because I worry. I know often, for me, when I see gross injustices occur I go completely opposite in order to counteract the injustices – somehow feeling that only my “yang” to the original “yin” could suffice in bringing about total and complete righteousness.

So I have been thinking about my ideas of peace and what they mean to me.

Gandhi, for example wasn’t a “peace at all costs” kind of leader. [Had he chosen peace he would never have opposed the British Empire. He would have gone on, keeping his head low and staying out of the way.] He was, however, for right-thinking and right-action.

Peace, when all is well, is right. Peace, when all is unwell, is wrong.

Peace, therefore, should not be my goal; For when things are right, peace will be a natural effect. What should be my continual goal is “well.” It is my strong feeling that if I seek peace first – I may absolutely get it and yet still be totally unwell.

Striving for right intention, right thinking and right action has always led to my peace. And when I say my peace I mean my peace inside of myself and that place where it allows me to sleep at night feeling safe and comforted. The kind of peace that I have only been able to achieve by living through my integrity. This kind of peace means that the world outside can be crumbling down and burning to my feet but if I have it – I won’t have the chaos inside. As a result, a paradigm shift occurs, my perceptions change, and all of a sudden I will see peace outside of me.

The trick to my being at this place has never been because I have sought and gained peace first. No. I have gotten to peace as the by-product of right intention, right thinking, and right action. I have gotten to peace through rooting out the problem first. So when I hear and see all the petitions on ending this Iraq “thing” I wonder if some people may be making the mistake of seeking peace first; Of seeking peace as the result.

Seeking peace ‘first’ may be harmful or dangerous

• Wanting to keep peace within her family and not get her relative in trouble, a friend of mine suffered molestation from a small child into her married life. In the end – 15 or so years later – ?she ended up attacking her relative in defense of herself as her small child watched from his crib; Her family would end up discovering the truth when the police came.
• Wanting to keep the peace, a friend, when the police were called, wouldn’t tell that her boyfriend had hit her. Not only did he continue to hit her but he knew then that she would not tell so the hittings continued into full and frequent beatings.
• Wanting to keep peace, a family neglected to mention or discuss their relative’s continuing spiral into prescription pill use. Several years later, this relative would enter the world of street drugs and overdoses.
• Wanting to keep peace and avoid ugly confrontation, family members all over the world tonight are overlooking and not discussing a family member’s alcohol consumption or the effects it’s manifesting.

Pardon the metaphors of trees and fruit – I’m feeling Biblical

To ignore a bad tree’s bad fruit for the sake of peace is really a lie. It’s really “pseudo-peace” because it’s pretend. You can’t really ignore the bad fruit – you just pretend to. You overlook it for whatever reason – it’s easier or you feel like it’s all you can do… But inside of us where our truth compass resides, we have the chaos and the sickness of eating the bad fruit. But many people still smile, chew and swallow and they think this is peace.

In this case, look to the tree. Cut it out at the bad root, burn it and then plant a healthy tree that will offer good fruit. The good fruit will offer peace. Internally it will nourish and sustain us, and externally we won’t be watching bad fruit rotting and pretending it’s not coming from a bad tree with a rotten root.

Deal with the problem causing the unrest and disharmony first.

Peace will follow.

Namaste.

Source: Living Within Samsara

This sounds funny, looking at what I have titled this. Sounds so contrary to everything I have been taught and here I am. In public. Out loud. Saying it. I have an online friend who even has her blog entitled “It’s All About Me!” and though it sounds like she’s being cutesy by calling it that, it really is all about her – and, why shouldn’t it be?

I have a pillow. Yep. That’s it. My Mom bought it for me during a really hard time in my life where I was in need of constant nurturing. It says, “It’s All About Me” – and, again I ask, why shouldn’t it be?

I’m the most important person in my life and I say this without regret or ego. It is a fact that if I do not take care of myself to the best of my ability I will fail as a human being. This means I am more important than you to me. If you think this is a selfish idealogue I have absolutely no problem accepting that. But I bet you do.

I bet that if you’re the type who will have a hard time accepting that, you have a lot of regret. I bet you’re feeling resentful and pissed off at me; Probably called me a name or two and a few “How dare she?” ‘s thrown in for good measure. Makes yourself feel better to tell yourself I’m self-centered because then you can go on about your business of catering to everyone in your world, making sacrifices after sacrifices to people you know deep in your heart, and all this – killing yourself – is justified. For a greater good and because you love so much, you tell yourself. Or because you have to, you tell yourself. Or even more desperately, “I have no choice. I haven’t the luxury to put myself first.”

Bananas. Yeah I said it: Bananas. If you don’t put yourself first at least once in a while, you’d be dead. Let’s go extreme for this point: How dare you eat? Don’t you know you could be putting someone else’s needs ahead of yours? So you eat to stay alive and as a result, can still put others before you. Okay. So you’re surviving.

I don’t know about you but my life is going to be more than surviving. My life is going to be my life and this means more than fulfilling the base level of Maslow’s hierarchy. Though I’ve modified the original hierarchy to include the Transcendence level, Self-Actualization used to be the top.

In the flavor of the Boddhisatva, or the crown chakra, or heck, even the 12th step of the 12 Steps where we extend our hand to others, we can’t do that if, for example, we have yet to self-actualize [much less received our oxygen].

This diagram is at it suggests. Every base level sets the foundation for the next level. If I lack appropriate sleep or food, I will not worry about achieving an “A” on a test. If I am not getting enough to breathe, I will not worry whether I have “protection from the elements” tonight. If I fear that in the next hour I am going to be executed, I will probably not worry whether you would want to have lunch were I to survive. And, to self-actualize, to grow in understanding of my self will not be a priority – or even close – if I’ve had no water, or am not safe, feel unsafe, or feel alienated, or worthless.

Maslow’s Self-Actualising characteristics
http://www.futurehi.net/archives/cat_transpersonal_psychology.html

I have friends and people in my life who stop going up to the next level – getting stuck on the Social Need level, somehow thinking if they can just give of themselves enough, the social acceptance will be so great they could finally get to their own self-esteem through that channel. That was never how it happened with me. How it happened with me is that the more I did for others, the more I people-pleased, sacrificed self, overlooked myself, disregarded myself, the further away I moved into the realm of complete dependence on other people and situations rather than moving UP to my own self-initiated independence/self-esteem. To make matters worse, I would often even go back down levels in regression!

No wonder I was angry and resentful at having no sleep after I [at my own expense] volunteered to stay awake in order to wake a friend up to go to work. No wonder, in trying to make my grandmother happy by eating every meal she cooked for me, I began refusing food! No wonder that when I am feeling unsafe I seem to stay home more and lose interest in my friendships. No wonder. No wonder. No wonder.

And the more I did, the less satisfied I became. I wonder why? I was doing all this stuff for everyone else and having nothing left for me. It’s not that no one necessarily didn’t appreciate me or what I was doing, but that I had extended myself to such a degree that I?no longer had a self in order to accept their appreciation. By the time it reaches that particular level, no amount of anyone else or any situational gratitude could help me.

I’m feeling unsafe to take it easy. Unsafe to say No. Unsafe to be who I need to be. I have lost my center and I’m out of there. I’m operating from straight survivor mode because society has still deemed it okay we eat and sleep but that at the same time that if we put ourselves first we’re selfish.

I am the most important person. And it is all about me. This means if I want to help you, extend myself to you, or be of service to you, I have to put me first. This also means I don’t have to help you if I don’t want to and the reason is none of your business – not to sound unkind – but you do not have a “right” to me, my thoughts or my feelings. I owe no one an explanation and those people who would require one, would want one in order to judge it to either talk me out of it, make me wrong on it, guilt me with it, or try to rationalize it away from me. If I trust to, I may tell you. If I don’t I won’t. You do have a “right” to yours and I may suggest that if you’re feeling “off” you examine them. If I lose me, I am useless to you; I am useless to me.

You cannot fill up my bucket, no matter how hard you try. You are a person – like me – and you are fallible and human too. If you bend over backwards and contort and hurt yourself for my benefit I may or may not notice but you will almost surely get resentful. Your resentment wil not hurt me. I promise. But it will hurt you. It will permeate everything you touch and you will stunt yourself.

“You are the most important person.”

Suggested Readings

Source: Living Within Samsara